It's comedy and tragedy.

You can't help being angry, or stupid, or ashamed, or selfish, or alone.

You can't help waiting, and wanting something, anything. You can't help hoping, you tell yourself.

You can't help feeling crushed when what you wait for never comes.

Really, how stupid can you be?

You're so busy trying to find yourself that you think the world will wait. The world doesn't wait. The world never fucking waits and in the end you will be left alone. Just like always.

So don't trust people. Don't hope. Don't wait for their time, or smile, or acknowledgement because they can't ever give you what you want. Don't wait on them like some stupid idiot, it's not worth the hurt. You're not in their busy, busy schedule.

You never were.

Because I'm feeling duh.

1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water?

Get in and start water la, jimat air kot.

2.) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle?

..Yeah.

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial?

No. But sounds fun haha.

5.) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?

No! Time budak pernah la kot.

6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?

Yep. Biase je.

7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?

Nope.

...where's question no.8? (0__0)

9.) How old do you look?

About 12 I think.

10.) What was the last song you heard/sang?

Lagu iklan sabun Dove. It goes, "I can go anywhere today!" sebab pompuan tu mandi. hahaha.

11.) Have you recently become a member of anything?

...don't think so.

12.) What are your plans for the weekend?

Nothing. Boring gile.

13.) What is your mood at the moment?

Somewhat moody and sakit perut at the same time.

14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?

No.

15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating?

Ew..no.

17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut?

I think so. But not anyone I know personally la.

18.) Has anyone ever called you a slut?

Never. Baik sangat kot. :p

19). Have you ever smuggled something into America?

Never been.

20.) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive?

Kinda maybe yeah? :P

21.) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?

No. Sorry to say.

25.) Do you have more enemies or more friends?

Friends! kot!

26.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?

Tahle. Long time since I sent a letter.

27.) Can you fix your own car?

Tak mungkin.

28). Do you like staying up late?

Yes.

29.) Are you smarter than your friends?

Nope. Prolly the dumbest haha.

30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?

:O like what? no!...kot! haha.

31.) Have you ever been to jail?

No. :(

33) Do you like the smell of beer?

Never smelled it, la la.

34.) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream?

I think I have.

35.) Have you ever given to charity?

Yeah, sure.

36.) Would you kill a dog for $1000?

No. Never.

37.) Do you ever get depressed?

Always kot.

38.) Do you live with your parents?

Iya.

39.) Do you have plans for your future?

To get by the days without inflicting harm upon myself and to be a somewaht happy and fulfilled person who's not afraid to stand up for my principles and to protect the ones I love at all costs. Oh, and I'd also like to have a Volkswagen. Hahaha.

Hey ho, let's go!

Shopping can be very tiring. Ask me, I'd know.

My mom shops a lot. My mom and her friend shop like maniacs. I love shopping, I do. But kadang-kadang penat la gak kot. Dulu my mom loved to go shopping for kain baju kurung. But now my mom and her friend go around town looking for abayas, which tells me nothing other than the fact that they're coping really well with this whole Riyadh thing, haha.

My mom just bought me some clothes, from Esprit. It was a 70% off sale, gila if we didn't buy anything right? :P

Then I have a new Kipling bag. The bag with the monkey! Very nice, not my usual style but I realize I have to grow up now so I just took whatever my mom thought looked nice. I quite love it now actually. :)

Then my mom went overboard by buying me a wallet...oh sori, salah nama. A bleeding wristlette, from DKNY. The Arabs call it Dikny. (Sebut Dee-Ke-Ni) Bloody patented leather or something of the sort. To me it just looks like a really nice, though very shiny, wallet. But it was also 70% off. Guh, the things sales do to women.

I love new things. But it embarrasses me when she buys me too many stuff. I feel like I'm taking advantage of my own mother. (Even though I don't ask for these things. And sometimes I beg her not to buy them. Sometimes I tell her I don't like the things she plans to buy me, so she'll stop. But my mother's a hard-head, she is.)

Hmm. Angelina Jolie's wearing leather pants, and they're shiny. Frikkin' weird.

I'm thinking of writing a story. Is that weird? Hmm again.

Arabian Weddings.

 Last night I went to my first ever Arabian Wedding.

 We were invited by the father of the groom, who was my dad's friend and boss. He had found out that I was coming to Saudi via my dad and insisted that I came. All I can say is that my brother's really lucky he didn't have to come to the wedding.

 I am happy for the newlyweds, I truly am. But come on, I am not a huge fans of weddings. Malaysian weddings, or Arab weddings, or any frikkin' kind of weddings. I was curious though, and agak kesian because my mom would get bored. Plus my little 13 year old friends would undoubtedly have a fit if I didn't go. 

(My new found friends are 13 years old. My mom gets reports from their moms that they adore me, and find me very seronok and sporting. I am somewhat surprised and amused. Haha. I also have another friend, a little boy of 8 years old who keeps asking me to play games with him at the mall. No wonder I feel so young.)

So, I go there, ok? And the wedding's being held at this huge hall. My mom told me that the weddings here usually start at around 9.00p.m to 3.00a.m. Yes, 3.00a.m. Frikkin' 3 o'clock in the morning. Pelik sungguh kan. And then, the moment we step into the hall (segregated between male and females) the girls start taking off their abayas and stepping out with these gorgeous, rich-looking, very revealing dresses! My mom and I were wearing normal clothes you know, so we were looking at each others dengan muka yang sungguh terkejut, hahaha.

Turns out that for every Arab wedding they attend, these women will spend thousands of dollars for a dress (no doubt Gucci or something stupidly mahal like that) and do their hair, plus make up and yadda yadda. Some of them looked gorgeous, some of them were quite modest, some of them looked like hookers haha. Tapi semuanya tak pakai tudung and kebanyakan seksi habis. Ada yang tak pakai bra kot! They looked more glamorous than Hollywood stars on red carpets. Time tu lah I looked at my mom and she looked at me and we both thought:

"Good God, what have we gotten ourselves into?"

And the wedding itself punya la pelik. These people dah la datang lambat nak mati, pastu wat muke kerek pulak. Pastu a band (all women, duh) came and started singing these really loud Arabic songs and somewhere some folks were doing those noises Red Indians made, only way scarier. Like, "Olololololo!!!!!" (I tried searching for the source of those noises, ingatkan computer generated or something, tapi tak jumpa. Mysterious gila.)

And they DO dance at weddings. Honest to God, I kid you not. Walaupun menari macam terhenjut2 je, tapi still menari. The dance looked so lazy, it could only be Arabic. Some of them were dancing together, some were chain smoking like the bloody mafia, and some were socializing. Meanwhile us Asians were dying of a culture shock and trying to avoid staring at some chick's tits and all the while we were being served cardamom tea (taste like shit) and bowls of chocolates (sedap nak mati, kitorang sapu bersih haha) and M&M's with the newlyweds' pictures on them.

I mean, hello. They stamped every single M&M in the fucking hall with their faces. If that doesn't say something, nothing can.

The food they served came in tiny portions, like bite-sized. We all started wondering how we were going to survive the wedding and come out alive. We were kind of scarred, at that point. The food was okay. Some were tasty, some were weird. All were tiny. 

Then finally, finally! the couple came. Berapa jam kena tunggu korang keluar, hampeh. And they begin this crawl-like speed ascend down to the hall, one freaking step at a time. We had to wait like, 10 minutes for them to reach the bottom of the stairs. Gah. And when they reached the bottom, incredibly enough, the red carpet they were to walk on to go to the podium at the other end elevated. It elevated! Macam runway! God I was so weirded out.

Then at the end of the ceremony (or so we thought) we stood up la. People were starting to exit the hall, so ikut je la kan. Rupa-rupanya...there was a buffet. A freaking buffet at 3 freaking a.m in the morning. And the hostess would not let us leave without eating first. So..terpaksa la pergi makan. (Although at this point eating was better than watching people prance around in high heels.)

There had to be like, a hundred dishes at the buffet tables. Or more. Salads of all kinds, nasi kambing, nasi unta pun ada kot, kebabs, fish fillets, prawns, cakes, sweets, memang banyak gila food. Unfortunately, I am a huger fan of sleep than of food, so I ate what I could grab and couldn't even finish that haha. Then balik la kami semua, amidst the jam sebab drivers cuba nak amik their maams from the wedding.

Penat sungguh wedding Arab. An event best experienced once, and then avoided like the plague. The end.

The one thing I could never understand...

The one thing I could never understand about myself is how I'm never satisfied with who I am. Why am I not satisfied? What have I suffered in my life that's so horrific that I can't ever be happy with just being myself?

Well, I don't know. Perhaps I want to be perfect. Perhaps I want to forget who I am for the moment, but can't. Perhaps I dream too much. Perhaps this is just who I am. But I want God to know that I am not upset of the way He made me. I'm just upset with the way I made myself.

The one thing I could never understand about life is how it sometimes feels like a dream. Have you ever felt that? Life sometimes feels like an endless dream to me. I've dreamed so many things in my head, both consciously and subconsciously that I find myself...lost and confused, not knowing which life is real and which life is made up.

But I like dreaming. When you dream you can be whoever you want. You can be six foot tall, or you can be a bird, or you can be a twinkling star, or you can simply be yourself. Doesn't matter, whatever floats your boat. I can be long winded and confusing, or straight to the point and simple. I can be whatever I want to be, and no one will ever know.

The one thing I could never understand about people is how we can be so cruel. We kill, and waste, we're selfish, and lazy, and thoughtless, and ignorant. We are the most superior species in the world, but we're also the most horrible. Sometimes I wish I'd been born as a bird, or a cat, or a solid brick wall so that my sins would never affect anyone else but myself. 

But that would be the easy way out, wouldn't it? And what are we without our sufferings? 

I have a lot of things that I don't understand. But perhaps some other day, yes?

On bleeding.

My nose bleeds. My gums bleed. And it feels like my heart is bleeding, but nobody can see that so it doesn't matter.

If I could have any wish in the world, I would wish for one thing.

I wish I could tell you, but I can't.