You almost made me cry again this time.

"Last night, I fell in love without you."

I'm tired. More than that, I'm exhausted...in my head. Every night I fall asleep thinking of something or another. Always thinking. No wonder I can't sleep nowadays. No wonder I keep...never mind.

Lately I find affection revolting. I hate lovey-dovey couples smiling and laughing at each other. I hate every last one of them. Even when I'm watching movies, these people make me sad. Because it reminds me of things. Memories. But perhaps that's all that they are. Memories of a distant past.

Life is such a sad, sad thing.

If you don't want me around, then fine. I won't be there. I won't worry about you. I won't look after you. I won't bother waiting for a call, or a message, or anything from you. I won't ask for attention again. I won't suffocate you. I won't stand in the way of your life. I won't let you suffer the embarrassment from having to hang out with me ever again.

And forgive me if I never talk to you ever again.

The saddest thing is, I keep thinking it's MY fault. Am I too emotional? Have I been bugging him unneccesarily? Did I make him mad? Am I a terrible person to be with? Why won't he talk to me? Does he finally realize that I'm not good enough?

My mother once told me that I'm the best pessimist there is. I always think of the negative before the positive. My possible outcomes range from bad to terrible. Well guess what? Life isn't a series of fucking fairy tales and happy endings. Life sucks. Most of the people in it suck. Nothing good ever comes out of optimism, except for a few years more to live.

And who needs living when dying's better? I don't need to deal with people anymore, I don't have to question what I'm doing, I don't have to worry about hurting feelings even when mine's hurt as hell. When I die, my deeds get weighed, and only God has the right to judge me.

And He can judge me all He wants to because truthfully, He's the only one who's been there for me through the aches and the pain. And I can tell Him how much I regret living life the way I did, and I'll do my time and (hopefully) bear the pain.

At least I can trust in Him to save me.

Sometimes...

Sometimes,

I wish I was brave.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I could feel no pain.

I wish someone would love me.

It's better than silence.

"After all, you do know best."

Esok presentation, ohmigod ohmigod...

Speaking in public sucks. Somehow having people look and pay attention to everything you say is very unnerving, but it's the kind of fear you don't tell people about because that'll kind of make you more nervous, kan?

Oh well. I have internet now, right in my room. Suka hati. Now I can, er.. explore the benefits of Facebook and the Internet with ease, yah?

And damn, I forgot to bring my toothbrush back. Kuning la gigiku minggu ini. :p

Oooh. Last night I did something illegal. Tah kenapa bangga gila pulak haha. I learnt that I can actually be a very good shooter if I, well, had a gun. But I'm actually not allowed to say much sebab nanti kena lempang dengan someone harharhar.

Bosan la, da lambat gi discussion plak tuh. Damn.

Smell me like crazy wtflol.

My parents are obsessed with perfumes as of late. I'm not kidding. Oh God, am I not kidding.

Okay, it started like this. We were at Faisaliya, which is this shopping mall not so far but not so close to home, and we were heading into the mall when my mom sees this Bangladesh dude (sorry if you're like, Pakistani or something pakcik, haha) selling something on the sidewalk.

Upon close inspection, it turns out the guys selling perfumes. Bottles and bottles of them. Banyak le. So we look at the goods, curious la kan. Wanna know something cool?

The perfumes are all authentic. Seriously authentic, in a I'm-made-in-France-and-I'm-supposedly-really-expensive kind of way. Punya la happy mak aku. Hahaha.

So she proceeds to buy lots and lots of them, sebab memang ori but the prices are like, 100++ je yang paling mahal. No new smells, but not so old lah. I got the Limited Edition Dream of Pink by Lacoste, which smells quite awesome. That was only the first time though.

The next time she bought like, 7 bottles of perfume. Betul. 7 bottles, woah. Some of them were actually meant for relatives as souvenirs, you know, but my mom fell in love with the smells and decided to keep some of them lol. Gila kaya bagi souvenir perfume, mak ai parents aku niii...

Then of course, because I am awesome, I got a free bottle of perfume which is from an unknown brand, but still pretty awesome. Smells like strawberry jam, ngeh.

Tonight we went there again. We bought 5 more bottles. It's actually a horribly good bargain, because my mom bought the original Chanel No.5 perfume she loves so much for only a hundred something Saudi Riyals.

Original price in malls: SR 590.00

Iknoerite? I also got a new one, even though I already have so many. (But then again, so do they right?) I got Pretty Nina by Nina Ricci which smells quite cool, in an apple-y sort of way. The bottle's in the shape of an apple, actually. That's how I know it smells like apples, haha.

So, now I have like, 4 new perfumes:

1. Burberry The Beat - beli awal lagi ni. I think it smells wonderfully British. :P

2. Nina Ricci's Pretty Nina

3. Dream of Pink by Lacoste

4. Pink Senses by some brand I haven't heard of.

You wanna know the weirdest, randomest thing? Most of my perfumes are in pink bottles. My old ones, and my new ones. Except for the Burberry one, which is so awesomely packaged and white that it's a crime. But all the others are like, pink and maybe some are red.

Do I have a girly sort of smell? :O

Another weird fact is that I only really wanted the Burberry perfume, and the others were actually my mother's doing. Suka beli je barang, cakap tak mau pun beli gak. Hmph.

I ♥ you mama! :p

Oh no, do I really need a title?

I'm thinking of changing the background for my blog. Again. Probably something a bit more me, you know? I'm also planning to make my own new special header for this blod, but I haven't been strong enough to start on it, haha.

Hmm, what colour nice ah?

Pink and black? Nah..too common. I'm gonna try making a real weird one, yay yay.

There are loads of sales now in Riyadh. In every mall, seriously. Some of them are just stupid, like Massimo Dutti's sale which was up to 50% (nampak cam sme 20% je, dah la mahal nak mati) and some are just crazy, like MNG's sale, up to 75% and really good I think.

However I still haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream of owning a pair of Keds, and at least one Lesportsac bag. Both of these brands are just awesome awesome aweeeesooome. I love funky designs. I love having lots of choices. I love colour. (But my favourite colour bukan black ke? Hmm kaki tiga.)

I also wanna have a spree at Hot Topic. Mmm, very good.

Lookie at some stuff I like. Clearly I'm unhinged yeah.

Lesportsac's Tokidoki edition, which is sadly outdated. Tahun bile tah ni. :(

Look, comel kan! :D

Yang ni pun most sincerely awesome.

I wish I could shop online. :(

It's time to run. So run.

I can't think of anything remotely witty to say to make this entry more interesting.

Except that I heart gummy bears. ♥ And jelly beans. And you can see my nads from here.

Whatever that means.

I just checked my timetable for next semester. Booooriiing. Feeding chickens are more fun than this.

Huh. Sejuk la pulak. I'm supposed to pack my stuff for the coming trip. Tapi saya lebih banyak sikap malas dari sikap rajin jadi saya akan procrastinate. Did I spell that right?

The people in myspace are funneh. They add me and say "Leh berkenalan kew?" or "I want 2 be ur freind." but I look at their profiles and good God, they're like 19 or 15 and all so small hahah. Maybe I'm destined to marry a kid? Hmm.

Pervy thoughts.

I'm feeling a bit nuts today. I feel crazy inside but on the outside I'm completely quiet. My mom keeps giving me looks. Gurr.

I'm gonna go and sham-poo my hair. Sham. Poo. Geddit?

You probably don't.

Dreams of sunshine.

It must be frustrating to want something so much but know that you can never get it.

Have you ever felt the same way?

Sometimes I feel myself wanting something so bad that my chest physically hurts. It thuds, and heaves, and it makes me feel like what I want is even more impossible than ever.

I want everlasting love to anyone who's crazy enough to hand it to me. I want to change the world and see tears of joy flowing, instead of tears of pain. I want to matter to someone, anyone. I want to be proud of myself and what I've achieved, even though I haven't achieved anything yet so far in life.

I want to travel the world, and meet new people, and love a stranger, and dazzle someone with a smile. I want fairytale endings, and bad guys who die in the end, or a song written for me. I wish someone could feel such a yearning towards me that it makes it difficult for him to breathe.

Of course, I'm asking for too much. I always do.

It must be frustrating to want something so much but know that you can never get it. If I weren't so bloody hurt right now, I'd probably relate.

I love you. And Bed Head. But mostly I love cucumbers.

"We're trying so hard, we're dying in vain."

Tengok, bangunan macam ikan! Cool kan? :p

My best shot of the Mamlaka buidling yet. Cool, y/y?

Bosannye mak aii... (-__-,)

Kalau bosan sila menari.

Last night I started packing my stuff. Excited nak balik la kunun. Haha.

Even though there's still a week left to go, excited jugak nak balik. New clothes? Check. Eccentric yet lovable personality? Check kot. New, bigger rolls of fat on tummy? Check check check.

Haish. Sometimes I think trying to be thin is just stupid. I mean, I'm happier when I'm fat right? Tak muat baju? Tak payah pakai baju, hmph. But sometimes I look into the mirror and I don't like who I see, and that's when the insecurities come. So this coming semester, I'm trying out a new fitness scheme. Exercise la aku sampai mati katak nanti. Kot.

(Banyak sangat kot la aku ni.)

Ooh. I have a story. Tah le lawak or gross, who knows. I nearly cried because I was trying to not puke haha. Semalam I was sort of packing kan? So I was opening this one bag, containing souvenirs which I had bought from Makkah. Sebelum tu tak terpikir la nak bukak because bukan ade ape, adiah je kan. (Yela, malas kemas bilik la tuuuu.)

But then when I opened the plastic bag, this godawful smell comes out of it. I was thinking, "Abes la, binatang ape pulak masuk beg aku ni?" Concerned, I check it out. Angkat la adiah-adiah yang disebut tadi. Rupenye...

"Aik? Bile mase pulak ade pisang dalam plastik aku ni?"

2 months. 2 bloody months those poor bananas were in there, in the heat and the cold, being squished by frickin' souvenirs and I only noticed the smell, gahaha. The bananas were in their own plastic bag and they looked nothing like bananas anymore. Kaler pun dah jadi grey da, ewwww. It was soooooooo yech. My mom, the owner of the pisangs could only say:

"Patutla hari tu mama cari pisang tu tak jumpe!"

Pisang tu dah mati, mama. Sori. :P

Haaaaaiii, I'm Lindsey Lohan.

:p

And I'm insanely bored, lol. I'm randomly browsing Youtube and looking for good songs to download. Has anyone ever heard of Pilot Speed's Alright? Very good song but very sad. And Nina Soldado by Ska-P? Awesomely catchy.

I have a bunch load of movies I want to watch as well, and here is the list that I have compiled. Anis sangat bosan, maaf:

1. My Sister's Keeper (it looks really good)

2. Drag Me to Hell (duh)

3. The Hangover

4. Year One

5. Up

6. Transformers : Revenge of The Fallen

7. 17 Again (dah takde in cinemas dah I think)

8. Terminator something something kot

9. dah la merapu. tak ingat dah.

The ones in bold! are the ones I really really reeeeaally wanna watch. Sigh. :( Tak besnye negara takde wayang.

OMG there's actually a Vietnam Idol? Phhhhheeeessssshhh. Weird. Hahahahaha.

Boringnye. :(