courage and a cup of bitter coffee.

"tell me,

can you save us?"

you're not dreaming.

this is real.

look around you.

wiggle your toes. touch your face. listen to the gentle ocean breeze.

do something. do anything.

yes, you are here.

yes, you are alive.

finding the sun.

"i dare you to move,

like today never happened before."

sometimes, growing up doesn't mean getting older.

i used to think that once you got older, you get wiser and therefore you grow up.

but now i don't think so.

sometimes you can be sixty and still not be grown up enough.

sometimes you can be eighteen and be the oldest and wisest person you know.

i now think growing up means falling down again and again

and still have the courage to get back up,

have the strength to carry on,

have cuts and bruises all over your body and still not give up,

have the peace of mind knowing that this is what was planned for you,

it's okay, because when people hurt you,

He listens. and He works quietly.

life would be a series of blacks and whites

if we never learn about all the colours in the spectrum.

okay.

i'm not that strong.

i hurt.

i break.

i learn that i'm not perfect.

i want to pretend that i'm tough

but i'm not.

i want to move on but i can't.

i keep glancing back.

i won't pretend that things aren't bad for me now.

but

things will get better.

skies can turn a lighter shade of blue.

love will come in all kinds of ways.

even the darkest hole has a bottom.

things will get better.

in time.

they always do.

and then i'll be stronger.

i will learn.

from mistakes. from past experiences. from new beginnings. from fights. from my tears. from my friends. from my own reflection. from listening. from learning. from everything.

one day

i hope i'll be strong enough.

tipu dunia akhirat kau.

yes, i'm pissed. i'm furious. lantak kau la nak nangis kat sape kan. nak cakap, wah aku lelaki tak berdosa, orang salah tafsir. orang salah paham. aku jahat, suka judge org. aku suke berat sebelah. slalu nak menang. ko slalu salah.

satu dunia salah, kau yg betul?

fuck you.

kau lelaki paling penipu. konon nak jadi baik. konon nak berubah, tak nak couple da. takut dosa. pastu perempuan yg kau kenal sekarang tu ape? khunsa? dengan dia tak takut dosa? dengan dia boleh la keluar memanjang kan. aku jalan dalam hujan kau buat tak kisah. dia da ade kereta, kau still insist hantar kan. lelaki terbaik la kau ni.

paling sedih, waktu couple dengan aku pun kau dah berkenan kat dia. tengok2 facebook dia, bawak dia keluar, call dia, msg dia. lepas tu punya la janji kat aku cakap kau tak curang time couple. ingat aku bodo ke ape? time aku tanye punya la marah. punya la defensive. cakap aku la suka pikir bukan-bukan dekat kau. buat aku rase salah aku. buat aku mintak maaf siap.

wahai lelaki, pakailah otak. kau ingat uia ni besar? kau ingat kau je kawan ramai? kawan aku kau tak tau. biar sikit, tapi kawan aku sayang aku. lg penting, aku sayang kawan-kawan aku. tak payah la tutup jejak kau tu. aku dah tau. dah paham da.

aku ingat, dulu kite kawan. aku kena jaga kawan. lepas kite break, aku siap msg kawan2 aku yg kau kenal suruh bercakap dgn kau. jgn sebab aku semua gaduh. tapi...mcm ni pulak aku dapat. mcm ni balasan kawan. dari dulu mmg mcm ni ke perangai? aku defend kau dulu. dgn kawan2. dgn your ex pun aku defend. dgn parents aku pun. Ya Allah, butanya aku.

takpe. kau sekarang patut sedia maklum, kau bukan lagi kawan aku. you no longer exist in my life. aku tak kisah kawan2 kau maki hamun aku, kawan aku support aku. tu yg penting. biarlah Allah balas semua benda yg kau dah buat kat aku. Allah nampak semuanya. tak perlulah tipu lagi. tak perlulah kata-kata puitis kau tu.

kawan aku cakap, one day karma will get you. kau akan rase ape yg aku rase. aku tak tahu pasal karma, tapi aku tahu, balasan Dia akan datang. and aku syukur sebab aku dah keluar dari relationship ni. mmg Dia sayangkan aku.

(to my real friends, thank you. i love you guys.)

four letter word.

hate is just another word for love gone wrong.

so don't hate, procrastinate!

haha.

see you.

a thousand sparks ignite, and i see you.

a million birds fly south for the season, and i see you.

babies cry in the middle of the night for love, for attention, for affection, and i see you.

frenzied hearts scream at the top of their lungs, and still i see you.

silhouettes blend into the background, starting chirps and creaks and squeaks. i see you.

at the touch of the softest silk. i see you.

morning breath and shy somewhat awkward smiles across large rooms full of strangers, and i can see you.

glass shatters like ice on a cold, dark night, igniting an avalanche, yet i still see you.

daughters seeking affection from their mother with schemes of untold greatness. i see you.

zombies crawl out of the ground while crows eat on the flesh of the dead, and is that you i see?

colour fades into black and white, why do i still see you?

as i echo your footsteps like a child follows his parents.

as i pry open your doors late that night.

as i sneak into your bedroom, itching towards your neck.

as i squeeze your lungs dry.

as you breathe for the very last time.

as you choke out your cries of help.

as your eyes open towards the ceiling.

as i smile down your corpse and reach for your face.

i see you.

i saw you.

wait. is that you i see amongst the jostling crowd?

(wow. a stalker's mind isn't a pretty place to be. i just made this out of boredom.)