Thursday, December 8, 2011

please let me live my life!

i appreciate my parents, i truly do. i know they love me and they always have the best intentions.

but grr sometimes i'm so mad i could kill someone. (not them obviously)

so what if i'm slow with applying for my masters? i was busy with work before so i couldn't do my proposal because
a) i'm tired and i need rest. i am human. is it so wrong that i want to waste my saturday on having fun when i've been all sorts of stressed out the whole week? i am not a machine, i do not run on gas and nags. i run on happiness and unicorns (lol wait getting sidetracked here).
b) you think proposals boleh buat tanpa pikir ka? those things take time ok. even when i was in uni under the (patient) guidance of a good lecturer pun aku buat lambat gila, inikan pulak when i've been out of the whole academician thing for a year, clueless on the topic at hand and rusty at making words sound more intelligent then they seem.

so yeah, it took me a long time to get my application done. sue me. if you want someone who gets their shit done in an organised manner and within the time frame you set for them, then find someone else. or do it yourself.

and i just don't understand the whole rush to get me into doing my masters. i mean, why? what's so great about rushing into things that you can't just chill for a second and take life as it is? yeah, i know i shouldn't be wasting time. time is precious. time waits for no man.

but i am young, and i don't wanna be rushed into things just because time is not on my side. because you know what, in life, nothing is on your side. so relax and live a little, and don't be so uptight. every time i skype with them they nag and nag and nag at me without really actually knowing the context as to why i can't do my work yet, why i haven't sent in my proposal, etc. and honest to god, i can't stand it.

sometimes, what my parents don't understand is i am not them. i am not my mother, and i am not my father. so i'm not as hardworking as they are or as confident, i am not a good cook or a great writer. i am not good with numbers.

i am myself. i am anis. i am slow, stupid, whatever the hell i am, i am me. i want to live and to not be so fucking serious and uptight all the time because i don't need my life to be a series of accomplishments.

i'd rather have a life filled with good memories, and doing things my way, and having a life that's fulfilled with the things i actually want to do. so what if i don't rush from working to studying? so what if i waste some time? this is my life we're talking about, not some kind of rat race. i can't be forced into doing things the way you want them just because your think your ideals are better than mine. i am not a stuffed animal. i have my own wants and needs and i think that if i don't take care of those then who the fuck will?

gah. i am so frustrated. and kind of sad, and disappointed as well, if i'm being honest. unless i'm doing something life-alteringly wrong like killing a man or robbing a bank i don't think anyone should force me to do anything, best intentions or not. could you please just let me live my life the way i want to, stupid decisions and all? the decisions i make and be there for me when i need you, i mean honestly, do you think nagging and judging me will make things better?