secrets.

i have a secret.

promise you won't tell?

i think i'm hideous.

i lie a lot.

i'm addicted to prescription drugs.

i look at porn.

i once committed a hit and run.

i beat up a little kid once, and he died.

i..

i..

these aren't my secrets. these are someone else's secrets. we all have secrets. we're all tainted on the inside, we just pretend we're not because we think being 'clean' is normal. not having secrets is normal. telling everyone our dirty little secrets and letting the dirty laundry hang outside for the whole world to see is normal.

normal. how do you know what normal is anyway? why do you want to be normal? do you want to be like everyone else? puppet? mannequin? parrot?

reality check.

we're not normal. nobody's normal. we all have secrets. secrets we know, secrets we ourselves don't even know. we're not like everyone else. nobody is.

one day, when someone tells you a secret, don't judge. you have your own dirt. i have my own dirt. i wish i could tell you my secrets. i do. i just don't know how to tell you. i'm afraid.

you shouldn't be. maybe if you tell me your secret then i'll tell you mine. we can be brave together. don't judge me, because i'm not judging you. i'll try not to, for you.

because i care. you care about me, right?

promise you won't tell?

mild euphoria and a phone call.

hey you.

where are you anyways? i've been waiting since like, forever. you didn't forget, did you?

oh i hope you remembered. we've got so much to do, and you, being you, always come late. i hope you've got some hot shot plan already formed in your head right now. my time is gold, man. i will murder you if you don't at least give me one dinner date to make up for this.

i miss you. it gets cold and lonely here sometimes, and that's when i need you the most. i need your smile to make me feel happy, your words to warm my heart, your love to get me through these times. i understand though that you're busy right now and can't make it. i'll wait. i've been waiting forever, a few more forevers wouldn't hurt. come as soon as you can though, because i'm not getting any younger here, you twat.

:)

sometimes i sit here and think about you. okay okay most of the times i sit here, and there, and everywhere and i think about you. i think about what you like and don't like. i think about how your eyes flash when you're happy, and how your jaw sets when you're determined about something and no one can change your mind. i think about the sound of your laughter and compare it to mine. do you think we're compatible? i think we were made for each other.

hey, do you like sushi? i love sushi, but i hate wasabi. it tastes so funny.

do you like rock music, or pop? i'm a bit of both, really. i love all kinds of music. i should make you a mixed cd, yeah?

i wonder if you'll laugh at my harry potter quotes. i'll definitely laugh at your movie quotes, if you have any. we can have a marathon of all our favourite movies. i know you'd love that.

oh, and...well, i hope you won't be mad if i told you i suck at cooking. i'm still trying, and i'm learning a lot. i'll keep on trying for you.

i think i could be a great cook, once i learn how get the hang of it. if you come to my house, (and you should, mama will definitely love you to bits) my mom will cook us great food. i know i have her talent. you'll see.

i hope you don't mind that i'm a bit broken. it got kind of tough on the way here, and i think i fell down and scraped my knees a few times. i'll admit that i cried. falling down can be embarrassing, but in the end, the wounds healed and now i'm fine. someone once said to me that scars add character to a person. do you agree? anyway, i have you to fix me. i'm not worried.

so, call me when you get this message okay? i'll be waiting. if i don't answer your call the first time then maybe i'm doing something else somewhere, so please call again. don't give up on me okay? we've got so much to do, you and i. we have a lifetime.

so, bye.

(author's note: okay i'm officially a sap. i dream too much. but the thing about dreams are that they can give you hope and make your thoughts a little bit sweeter than before. i choose to dream. now sssshh, i'm waiting for a phone call. don't bug me. ;) )

falling in love with strangers.

"I was so busy missing you, I missed someone else standing right in front of me. Now I’m missing them instead."

--The Fine Art of Longing, taken from I Wrote This For You

it's funny, how you and i are strangers in different parts of the world.

and yet when i hear your stories, i can recognize. when i see your sadness, i can sympathize. when i see the way your heart breaks, i can tell you that mine broke the same way but here i am today anyway, with a heart transplant and a smile on my face. when you see me cry, you can tell me that everything happens for a reason, and that reason is for me to enjoy and understand one day, on my own.

it's strange the way you affect me, and i affect you. it's strange the way we both don't even know we're affected.

perhaps we're meant for bigger and better things, like endless summers, or butterflies in our stomachs, or contented sighs from a work well done. perhaps our tragedies will really make u stronger like the stories go, and not leave us disheartened and broken down like we thought it would.

but it helps to know that while i am feeling these things, you're thousands of miles away from me, feeling the exact same way. maybe that's what we call fate.

pencarian kaki seperti angelina jolie.

wah wah. i'm quite comfortable writing in small caps (eh betul ke small caps? ke small letters? ke small...whatever lah) right now, so i'll continue doing so until i find the courage to not be lazy anymore hahaha.

i went swimming just now, for half an hour je. but my legs lenguh macam kena penyek dengan badak. did a few laps even though i was kind of horrible with my swimming techniques, i've kind of forgotten how to swim properly hee. however, in the quest for legs as slim as angelina's i shall not give up. (padahal esok last kot swimming lolz) i will work for those skinny jeans! :P

i have so few pictures in here. makes me sad. :(

so i'm putting in a picture. :)

because humans are overrated

and then

cookie monster

haha. adorable. no not the cookie, the kid.

oh. went to 2 of my relative's houses today. dapat duit raya from both houses. see? being small does have its very own wonderful perks. :D

later.

A.

new heart for a new head.

i deleted my last post.

why? because it's not true anymore. and i'm sorry for being quite a huge ass towards someone, you know who you are.

i want friends. i love my friends. i don't wanna lose any of them.

not because of my mistakes. not because of theirs. we're all so bloody human, aren't we? we're so weak, and emotional, and sometimes we regret things. i regret a lot of things.

i'm starting over a new leaf. i'm going to be happy. positive. alive. i don't want enemies. i don't want fights. (i do love debates though. seriously.) i don't want to judge people before i judge myself. someone i love told me today that people can't change because of you, but people can change for you. the wisdom of that is quite profound, is it not?

sorry sorry sorry.

i, anis adila bt abdullah, will try my very best to change from today. not for anyone else, but for myself. and though i've broken up with asyraf (sori sebut nama) we're still friends. i'll still have the right to annoy him about coming to class and he'll still have the right to annoy me about...anything. you're so annoying mate. :P

i hope we all get the happy ending we deserve. the end.

Bringing on the heartache.

My parents are leaving.

Today, at 4 p.m, I'll see them for the last time this year. My mom told me she'd probably arrange to come back and visit us by herself, but it's not confirmed. The future's never confirmed, right?The only time I'll be sure to see them is next year, before raya.

I've been trying to be happy and all for the sake of my parents, but it's been hard, considering certain events. Mama's been great. She's been comforting me, and telling me that it doesn't matter, and asking questions that made me think. She doesn't want to leave, she tells me, because last year when she left I was sad, but not lonely. This year things are different. I guess this year I'll have both.

My brother's working now, so he's not always home. When he's home he's always out with his girlfriend. I can understand that. He has someone. My sister has her own family now. Qisha's always sick, and Daniel's always making a mess. She's under a lot of stress with the kids. I try to help, but sometimes I don't know how to help. But she's happy, underneath all that stress. That's all that matters.

Unfortunately enough, that only leaves me. I'll survive I guess. I've learnt not to depend on people because they always leave you in the end. I'll probably cry myself to sleep for a week like least year and then pretend like things are okay. On the surface they are. I'm happy when I'm with friends. My friends are awesome, they make me forget. I want to always be happy around them and forget things, that's why I never tell them the sad things. It kind of kills the mood when I tell someone they're so lucky to have someone to come home to, right?

God, aren't I pathetic. Stop it stop it stop it Anis Adila stop!

I wanna psych myself up. I wish I were into that whole sex, drugs and rock and roll thing. That'd be a nice diversion. I need a diversion. Yes yes, that's what I need. Something painless, not like before. Something that makes me happy always. Something that will never leave. Something cheap, quick and fast-acting. Unconditional love, someone or something that loves me regardless of how fat I am, or how not tall I am compared to other kids, or how I act like a stubborn kid when I'm in a bad mood.

Oh great, I need a Tamagochi. :(

Kids are so lucky.

Music: Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Elton John and Kiki Dee

"The world I love, the trains I've hopped,

to be part of the wave, can't stop!"

I gotta say, for a friggin' love song, I'm kind of really digging this song. Not the hugest Elton John fan, but he rocks anyhow haha.

So. Hari Raya. Two weeks vacation = awesomeness. No TV though, not so awesome.

My parents are leaving on the 3rd day of raya, which really sucks balls too. I mean, tak sempat nak salam betul-betul lagi kot, dah nak balik Riyadh. Boo. :'(

Dapat Internet baru ari ini. My dad upgraded the modem (I have to pay RM98 pulak, boo!) so it's way faster now. (yay!) I have to pay my own bills after this raya, my car punya monthly installment or something, then Internet bills too. Freaky. I'm all grown up now, and the thought makes me sad.

When I was a kid I used to lastik budak-budak laki and chase them around the school yard. Those were fun times, fun times. Why can't I be as carefree as that now? :\ *sigh*

Though I wouldn't be chasing and lastik-ing those boys now, right? ;p *evil cackle*

On being scared.

"Go your own ways, the seasons have changed,

just burn those new leaves over."

Mood: a bit blue.. :'|

Music: Like a Stone - Audioslave

I used to be a scared little kid.

I was afraid of everything. I hated the dark, I hated ghosts, the outdoors, bugs, strangers, and numerous forms of clothing apparel (like that purdah thing, ew.). I didn't like trying new things because I was afraid I'd suck at it and embarrass myself. Even the thought of trying new things makes my heart stutter and skip a few beats, I'm serious.

Now I'm too old for those fears. But fear has a way of sticking to you like an old friend. I didn't think I was the kind of person who had fears, but I wasn't looking carefully.

Those silly fears I used to have are now replaced by something much, much more frightening.

For lack of a better term, I'll call it the fear of life itself.

Now, I'm afraid of people laughing at me and ridiculing me. It worries me everytime I want to do something. I have a serious fear of failing, because if I fail then I'll hate myself and blame myself for everything that's happened. I'll convince myself that my parents are disappointed in me, and I'll convince myself that they're lying when they say they're not. I'm afraid of change, and feeling alone because I don't know if I can cope. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid of getting lost, because I know I'm silly, and helpless, and nobody will come and save me.

A friend told me that you never know if you succeed or fail unless you try. I hate trying. Trying means that I have to get my hopes up high, with the high chance that it'll be dashed once I fail. I'm always failing. Always a disappointment. To my friends, family, and to that someone I can't mention.

Thing is, I can't do things on my own. I don't need you, but I want you to be near me in case I fall. I need that safety; the feeling that no matter how many times I've failed, you'll always be there for me. I've always felt so alone in my life, can't I have some company now? I know I always think negatively about things. About people. About life. I can't help it, you know. I'm scared. Scared of failing, and losing, and God know's what else. My head's so full of what-ifs that I can't even keep track of them anymore.

Maybe I should start taking a deep breath and plunging headfirst into the unknown.

The thought scares the hell out of me, but maybe, maybe it's better than the life I have now.

This love has let you down.

"Stop playing with my heart,

you're tearing me apart."

I'm moving on.

I have to move on; there's nothing left in the past for me but broken memories. Memories that used to feel so sweet now just makes my heart feel heavy and unwanted.

Unwanted. That's probably the best way to describe how I feel right now. It's probably hard to love someone like me, but one day I hope someone can. If there isn't anyone...well, I guess I'll have to get a pet or something right?

Right.

Nobody will like me. I might as well get this over with. I'll grow old, and wrinkly, and no man will ever like me because I'm a horrible person to be with. I'm needy, and moody, and I get jealous easily, and I'm tough to be around because I'm not exactly eye candy, as I'm not pretty or beautiful or cute or whatever. If I ever get married it'd probably be arranged out of desperation by my parents, where the guy hates my guts and will never look at me other than to call me names like 'fat' and 'idiot'.

Well guess what, future husband of mine. You don't have to bother telling me those things, because I already know. Look at my first ever relationship. See how it broke apart so easily? See how we went from holding hands to barely talking to each other? It's probably all my fault.

If only I tried harder, if only I let him do whatever the hell he wanted, he might have still liked me enough to be honest with me and tell me that I'm not the one for him. He probably wants a beautiful girl who loves to cook and doesn't laugh like an idiot at every given joke. He probably wants someone who's really good with kids and who's not awkward around grownups. He'll probably want kids who're tall, with good genes and nice straight hair and long, slender hands.

I don't know what he wants. I don't know what all guys frickin' want, and now I don't really care anymore because I don't wanna get married anyway. Love is just one fucking heartbreak after the other and no matter what I do nobody will ever be satisfied or happy. I'm supposed to just understand someone when he doesn't speak to me and I'm supposed to fall in love with someone when he doesn't even...he doesn't even like me.

Moving on's going to be a bit harder than I thought.

Conversations with God.

(Sorry if this entry doesn't seem like me. I don't feel like myself nowadays.)

Ya Allah,

Kalau aku ni manusia yang buruk ambillah nyawa aku. Aku redha. Dalam hati, aku tahu aku ni sehina-hina manusia. Aku tahu Ya Allah. Aku baca Quran tak betul, aku puasa entah-entah tak berkat, aku solat selalu lambat, macam-macam la. Aku nak masuk syurga, tapi malangnya aku rasa aku tak layak.

Aku banyak sangat dosa. Dosa lama, dosa baru, dosa akan datang, semua ada. Aku tak reti maths, nak kira pun tak boleh. Lagipun terlalu banyak. Kalau ada jalan untuk tak buat dosa aku sanggup bagi harta aku yang sikit tu, dengan semua anggota badan aku, dengan nyawa aku. Tapi dosa lama tak hilang pun, jadi aku masih masuk neraka.

Ya Allah, aku harap Kamu faham dan dapat maafkan aku. Aku cuba lagi. Tolong jangan buang aku. Tolong jangan kecewa dengan aku. Aku janji aku cuba selagi Kamu percayakan aku. Tolong jangan jemu dengan aku. Aku lemah. Aku nak berubah tapi aku selalu terpesong. Aku tak paham hati aku sendiri. Ya Allah, aku perlukan Kamu.

Tolong bagi aku peluang Ya Allah.

"In memory of what we used to call in love."

So, this is how it ends.

I expected it to hurt. I expected the pain in my chest and the betrayal. I expected the sadness. But somehow, expecting and experiencing are two really different things.

I know I'm not this beautiful, intelligent girl who everyone loves. Life gave me the worst cards, and I've accepted that. I know people don't love me or like me because I'm not popular, or nice, or helpful. I can't even help myself some days, how am I supposed to help anyone else?

I know eventually people will start seeing me for who I am and hate me. But please, I beg you, when you've found out, no matter how far it is in the future, please be honest with me. It's all I ask for. Forget the tears, and the heartache, or even the rude comments you'll get. I will say sorry for it in the end, I always do. Underneath all of that, sad is the only word that can explain how I feel.

Did I ask for too much when I told you I wanted your attention? Is it too humiliating to tell someone you love them? I only wanted to feel special, like someone wants me for who I am. I don't care about money. I don't care about who you're friends with. I don't care if you're the unluckiest person in the world.

I only wanted to be with you. I wanted to be with you when I got sick. I wanted to be with you when the assignments piled in and I couldn't breathe because I was freaking out. I wanted to be with you when I got lost while driving and didn't know where to go because I was so so scared. If you couldn't be there for me, your thoughts still count. A smiley face and a stupid joke still counts. A call telling me to hold on still counts.

Is that too much to ask?

And how can you tell someone you care about her when you don't want to be around her? How can you tell me you've never wanted this relationship to end when you're not even taking part in it anymore? Am I supposed to know that you love me just because you claim that you do? I can't read minds. And I'm not stupid. If you actually cared, you'd try to show it. The key word is try.

But no. You preferred playing futsal with your friends every night rather than having dinner with me. You go online and you see me on Facebook, but you don't wanna talk to me. You know how to make other people happy because you're always trying so hard, but when I'm sad you just don't care. If I say something you don't like then you just won't reply.

I can't make someone happy if they don't let me. And you've changed so much that I don't really know how to make you happy anymore. In the end, I always end up blaming myself. I cry myself to sleep, I have dreams that I wish we true so I'd wake up crying, I see you in class every day and my heart breaks every time.

And I know hearts can mend, but I think mine grew back crooked somehow.

And it's all thanks to you.

Ed Hardy is for idiots. I want to be an idiot, plz.

Went to KLCC today, spent nearly the whole day there window shopping and randomly walking around by myself. Mission: beli payung. Don't know why though, I already have a friggin' payung. Bukan pakai sangat pun.

There were some choices out there. Paling murah: RM 7.00. Payung ape jadah murah sangat? :\

Paling mahal: RM 85.00. Nak payung Sultan Brunei ke weh?

Serious shit. Mahal nak mati payung. But it's really cute la, with polka dots and a ribbon and all. Not my type of thing, tapi cute la.

I was kind of looking for a clear umbrella, or one in black. Or at least something decent looking so I can doodle on it myself. Tapi too bloody expensive. Ke payung memang mahal? :| hmm. Maybe I should make one myself.

Spent 60 bucks in Kino. Don't have the mood to shop, tapi beli barang kat Kino nak pulak. Thing is, the shit in there are soooooo cool. Like, stuff from Japan or Korea. Stuff that swivels this way and that. Stuff with cute cartoons on them. I'm a sucker for weird things, so I spent like, 2 hours in there just looking at stuff. God I love weird stuff.

Wanted to buy an iPod skin, tapi takde. Don't they sell those anymore? Hmm.

Nak gi tengok House sambil makan caramel pudding. Excuse me.

I am a vampire, and I have lost my fangs.

"Don't it feel like sunshine after all? The world we love forever gone."

Mood: Electrified.

Music: Pain - Jimmy Eat World (oh how fitting)

I swear, all the electrical appliances in the world are trying to electrocute me to death. DEATH, I say. My iron tried to kill me a few weeks ago, now the bloody washing machine is giving me shocks everytime I touch it. Also, when I touch my clothes. My clothes! Dah tu cane aku nak amek baju aku natang weh?

Hmph.

Tomorrow, the day after, and the day after the day after is lepak time. Ohhhhh yeah. ;) Well, actually, I do have assignments I have to do, but peh, lambat lagi kot. Hahahaha.

Damn laziness. No! I will do my work early this time! I will I will I will!

...esok la kot start. :p

I feel like going out tomorrow and getting wasted. (Getting my cash wasted more likely, but nvm) I'm not really into buying clothes now, but I'm kind of really in the mood to buy..er, stationaries. Serious shit, I kid you not. Haha.

I wanna buy a notebook, a really good one! And uh, some pens, even though mine ada but dah nak habis kan, then I want...er, I need books! Yeah, minds need to burn here, and not through boring stuff like assignments. I want to read horror, or chick lit, or somthing so stupidly funny it hurts. I need a bit of laughter in my life right now.

Current to do list:

1. Assignment Pak Ya. (due pas raye, yeah yeah)
2. Assignment Prof. K. (due Jumaat)
3. Study for quiz Pak Abu. (mcm malas je buat ni)
4. Dissertation title, yaaaaagh. (refer to above reason)
5. Hantar seluar g potong. :P
6. Bayar yuran. (this was on my last to-do list, saje gedik nak letak)
7. Sticker kete. (yaaaaaaagh, malasnye jumpe pakgad)
8. Basuh Wilson and Tembam. (harharhar)
9. Oh! Kena bayar bil internet. (damn)

*jadi gila*