Thursday, September 10, 2009

"In memory of what we used to call in love."

So, this is how it ends.

I expected it to hurt. I expected the pain in my chest and the betrayal. I expected the sadness. But somehow, expecting and experiencing are two really different things.

I know I'm not this beautiful, intelligent girl who everyone loves. Life gave me the worst cards, and I've accepted that. I know people don't love me or like me because I'm not popular, or nice, or helpful. I can't even help myself some days, how am I supposed to help anyone else?

I know eventually people will start seeing me for who I am and hate me. But please, I beg you, when you've found out, no matter how far it is in the future, please be honest with me. It's all I ask for. Forget the tears, and the heartache, or even the rude comments you'll get. I will say sorry for it in the end, I always do. Underneath all of that, sad is the only word that can explain how I feel.

Did I ask for too much when I told you I wanted your attention? Is it too humiliating to tell someone you love them? I only wanted to feel special, like someone wants me for who I am. I don't care about money. I don't care about who you're friends with. I don't care if you're the unluckiest person in the world.

I only wanted to be with you. I wanted to be with you when I got sick. I wanted to be with you when the assignments piled in and I couldn't breathe because I was freaking out. I wanted to be with you when I got lost while driving and didn't know where to go because I was so so scared. If you couldn't be there for me, your thoughts still count. A smiley face and a stupid joke still counts. A call telling me to hold on still counts.

Is that too much to ask?

And how can you tell someone you care about her when you don't want to be around her? How can you tell me you've never wanted this relationship to end when you're not even taking part in it anymore? Am I supposed to know that you love me just because you claim that you do? I can't read minds. And I'm not stupid. If you actually cared, you'd try to show it. The key word is try.

But no. You preferred playing futsal with your friends every night rather than having dinner with me. You go online and you see me on Facebook, but you don't wanna talk to me. You know how to make other people happy because you're always trying so hard, but when I'm sad you just don't care. If I say something you don't like then you just won't reply.

I can't make someone happy if they don't let me. And you've changed so much that I don't really know how to make you happy anymore. In the end, I always end up blaming myself. I cry myself to sleep, I have dreams that I wish we true so I'd wake up crying, I see you in class every day and my heart breaks every time.

And I know hearts can mend, but I think mine grew back crooked somehow.

And it's all thanks to you.

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