Tuesday, September 15, 2009

On being scared.

"Go your own ways, the seasons have changed,
just burn those new leaves over."

Mood: a bit blue.. :'|
Music: Like a Stone - Audioslave

I used to be a scared little kid.

I was afraid of everything. I hated the dark, I hated ghosts, the outdoors, bugs, strangers, and numerous forms of clothing apparel (like that purdah thing, ew.). I didn't like trying new things because I was afraid I'd suck at it and embarrass myself. Even the thought of trying new things makes my heart stutter and skip a few beats, I'm serious.

Now I'm too old for those fears. But fear has a way of sticking to you like an old friend. I didn't think I was the kind of person who had fears, but I wasn't looking carefully.

Those silly fears I used to have are now replaced by something much, much more frightening.

For lack of a better term, I'll call it the fear of life itself.

Now, I'm afraid of people laughing at me and ridiculing me. It worries me everytime I want to do something. I have a serious fear of failing, because if I fail then I'll hate myself and blame myself for everything that's happened. I'll convince myself that my parents are disappointed in me, and I'll convince myself that they're lying when they say they're not. I'm afraid of change, and feeling alone because I don't know if I can cope. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid of getting lost, because I know I'm silly, and helpless, and nobody will come and save me.

A friend told me that you never know if you succeed or fail unless you try. I hate trying. Trying means that I have to get my hopes up high, with the high chance that it'll be dashed once I fail. I'm always failing. Always a disappointment. To my friends, family, and to that someone I can't mention.

Thing is, I can't do things on my own. I don't need you, but I want you to be near me in case I fall. I need that safety; the feeling that no matter how many times I've failed, you'll always be there for me. I've always felt so alone in my life, can't I have some company now? I know I always think negatively about things. About people. About life. I can't help it, you know. I'm scared. Scared of failing, and losing, and God know's what else. My head's so full of what-ifs that I can't even keep track of them anymore.

Maybe I should start taking a deep breath and plunging headfirst into the unknown.

The thought scares the hell out of me, but maybe, maybe it's better than the life I have now.

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