I'm tired. More than that, I'm exhausted...in my head. Every night I fall asleep thinking of something or another. Always thinking. No wonder I can't sleep nowadays. No wonder I keep...never mind.
Lately I find affection revolting. I hate lovey-dovey couples smiling and laughing at each other. I hate every last one of them. Even when I'm watching movies, these people make me sad. Because it reminds me of things. Memories. But perhaps that's all that they are. Memories of a distant past.
Life is such a sad, sad thing.
If you don't want me around, then fine. I won't be there. I won't worry about you. I won't look after you. I won't bother waiting for a call, or a message, or anything from you. I won't ask for attention again. I won't suffocate you. I won't stand in the way of your life. I won't let you suffer the embarrassment from having to hang out with me ever again.
And forgive me if I never talk to you ever again.
The saddest thing is, I keep thinking it's MY fault. Am I too emotional? Have I been bugging him unneccesarily? Did I make him mad? Am I a terrible person to be with? Why won't he talk to me? Does he finally realize that I'm not good enough?
My mother once told me that I'm the best pessimist there is. I always think of the negative before the positive. My possible outcomes range from bad to terrible. Well guess what? Life isn't a series of fucking fairy tales and happy endings. Life sucks. Most of the people in it suck. Nothing good ever comes out of optimism, except for a few years more to live.
And who needs living when dying's better? I don't need to deal with people anymore, I don't have to question what I'm doing, I don't have to worry about hurting feelings even when mine's hurt as hell. When I die, my deeds get weighed, and only God has the right to judge me.
And He can judge me all He wants to because truthfully, He's the only one who's been there for me through the aches and the pain. And I can tell Him how much I regret living life the way I did, and I'll do my time and (hopefully) bear the pain.
At least I can trust in Him to save me.