can't say i'm sad to see you go.

ah, the ever so common last-day-of-the-year post, dictating all that's happened in the past, and new aspirations for the future.

well, sure. 2009 wasn't the best year for me.

had a few breakdowns this year. broke up for the first time (they say the first cut is the deepest. i say, big deal.) and lived to tell (or blog) the tale.

i've learnt some valuable lessons this year.

(sigh)

but this is not the post for it!

i have new things in mind,

new knowledge to bore my brains out,

new fod to enjoy,

new events to experience,

new guys to stalk,

new friends to make,

new makeup to try (i am an expert in eyeliners now lol)

and other whole new stuff to enjoy!

the prospect of a brand new year never seemed exciting to me before this, but this year's a bit different. well actually the new year has long gone (awal muharram), but just endure me for a second yeah.

ideas for the new year, the great two oh one oh:

(for some reason all of them need exclamation marks. leave me be.)

a) be positive!

for reasons even unknown to myself, i am the greatest pessimist i have ever met. seriously. i don't know if it's because i lack vitamin c or something, but it just bugs me, that i'm always a dark thinker. maybe i was an unemployed drunk in the past life, i seem to have too much time to think haha. but fear not, all you sunshine-loving gerbils, i will turn over a new leaf and be a tad more chirpy in the thought department.

dunno if it will work, because i can't control brain functions kan, but i will try!

b) uih, rajinnya!

this is actually a must. dah kalau nak sambung belajar tak rajin lagi mampus la kena pelangkung dengan parents kan hahaha.

c) keep on loving baby!

i will love my friends. i will love my family. i will love my cat. i will love all animals unconditionally. okay okay i will love some people unconditionally jugak. hmph. i will love shopping. i will love food. i will not waste food. i will love hot random strangers in torn up jeans. ooh. hahaha kidding. kinda. :P finally, i will love myself. i definitely will always always love Him. yeay for love and all that mush!

...i can't think of other stuff. maybe it's because i'm too darned awesome it'd be a shame if i changed anything else. harharhar. (should have another point up there: be less perasan!)

so long, 2009!

we are slaves of what we want.

"you were busy saying what you didn't mean,

now everyone's singing along to your ridiculous song

you got it stuck in my head."

such a beautiful, beautiful day.

sun's out, the trees look greener than usual.

i'm happy. how can i not be? it's so cheerful outside.

(but i don't wanna go out there, panas. haha.)

...but then i think "oh crap, kena buat dissertation."

oh heck. >:'(

i'm my very own personal killjoy. hah.

plus, the internet is being an a-hole.

randomly, i think i'm turning into a shopaholic. :(

oh no. oh yeah!

why i love wally!

something's different with wally.

i can't place it. he's...different.

doesn't play as much, eats a lot, not scared of water anymore.

did i do something wrong?

i have a habit of messing things up, haven't i?

:'(

i think he's mad at me for leaving him with my sister.

sometimes he just looks at me with this funny look in his face.

like he wants to know why i left him.

i didn't wanna leave him.

i had to. :(

"i love you wally", i say to him when he looks at me.

he meows back, as if to say, "i know. i love you back."

and i know this last part is true because he jumped on the bed, lied down next to me and licked my cheek.

♥

p/s: he just walked all over my laptop's keyboard. yep, he wants the all attention to himself. :P

isn't someone missing me?

i have a friend who's trying to break up with her boyfriend.

well, according to what she tells me, she just doesn't like like the guy. she thinks he's nice and all, but not for her. she has told him a few times that she wants to break up, but he (get this) refuses to hear it. said he'll wait for her if that's what it takes.

you'd think i would side on the girl right?

nope.

i've heard the way she treats him. she kind of yells at him on the phone about stupid things, and she gets angry a lot. i know this isn't who she is, she's a great person, trust me, but i guess he's in the group of people that she can't stand. she tells me that she doesn't wanna be like that, but it just happens and she snaps.

well, i guess i can understand.

(i do pity the guy though, but i don't tell her this.)

i can tell he loves her, if that doesn't sound cheesy. she says some stuff that could hurt him sometimes, then they fight and he hangs up, but a minute later he calls and god knows this guy has the patience of mahatma gandhi. he just doesn't care. some people call that being stupid. i kind of call it love.

i wish i could find someone like that. or be like that. i want to have emotional strength and patience. i want to be sure that someone loves me and doesn't care if i yell at him because i'm having a bad day. i want someone to tell me i'm being stupid for being insecure and wanting to break up. i want to be loved.

but i guess it doesn't happen like that, because now i'm the bad guy, remember?

light baggage.

lookie lookie my new awesome vintage bag.

bought online, mate.

i call it the 'bag budak korea' because...sama kot. haha.

front view looks awesome

side view looks solid, oh yeah

verdict: very hardcore! hahaha

i love online stuff now. they're cheaper mostly, and they're so quirky.

so i made myself an e.mastercard. teehee.

it's free, duit untuk topup saja la pikir. so it's all good.

oh i love freedom. chapter 2 literature review finished!!! :D

dari tegak bertimpuh, baik rebah merempuh.

"it's gonna get harder still,

before it gets easy."

my short term memory.

best. best. :)

(k.hana nampak cute.)

keje melambak kat tepi katil.

tak best tak best.

(80% tu sikit je kan...kan? oh no.)

shopping.

nikmat yang tak boleh diterangkan. harharhar.

(bazir duit la kau ni.)

(takpe, baju lame derma la. pahala kot.)

kawan-kawan cool.

awesome lah.

(jangan ade lipas dekat-dekat sudah. time tu tak ingat kawan la, tolak je sape-sape gi tepi. haha.)

gambar perempuan seksi.

ouh. tertengok la. serious!

hahahaha.

it's a circle, i mean cycle.

"the best of us can find happiness in misery."

80% of one chapter in one week.

can it be done?

i think frickin' not.

or maybe i'm just lazy and i like procrastinating.

hee.

hey aku tengah download kerja okay.

i'm not online for nothing. not today anyways, haha.

rindunye kamu. fluff. fluff.

a little cheering up is in order. it's not you though. :(

si tembam yang suka makan. ngee, cute.

si nakal yang tiba-tiba baik. ngee, pandai posing.

ada orang cakap saya 'interesting', dan tidak 'lame' atau 'gedik'.

harharhar, terima kasih. :P

sa cak sa.

for the love of N!

oh god this is so tiring.

and i've only been at it for like, an hour.

dissertations suck.

he doesn't though! N rocks! ♥ for you N!

*sadface*

hey.

i like the fact that i make sense to him.

i like the fact that he likes the same things that i do.

i enjoy our random conversations because i don't know how he'll react.

i like the fact that he loves horror movies. i need more friends to back me up haha.

i like talking to strangers. i like connecting with people.

he's cool. he likes both stephen king and j.k rowling. (!) he plays resident evil. he wants to play l4d.

the fact that he's soo friggin' young kind of makes me feel like a pedo though.

even though we're just strangers talking. hee.

hmm.

this is probably just me discovering the world.

stupid funny lame.

i ♥ charlie the unicorn.

shun the non-believer.

SHUNNNN!

hahaha.

here. watch it. :D

post lepas marah.

"back where i was now,

was it just a dream?"

some strange phone numbers have been popping up on my phone.

when i msg or answer the calls, no one replies.

hmmmph.

>:[

and to the kids in myspace.

yes, KIDS! why are you adding me?

all of you are 15-19 years old. so what gives?

i will not look at your pictures. i don't want to 'berkenalan'. i don't bloody care if you think i am cute. ew.

:\

marah marah marah.

haaaaih.

kemaafan yang paling bermakna ialah kemaafan yang ikhlas dari hati ye.

think about it.

p/s: GLEE! ♥

the goodbye.

so long, home.

so long abang. i hate the smells you make from that cigarette of yours, it reeks. satu rumah bau. but i will miss you and your general annoying self.

so long katil selesa. i shall miss your huge comfort and size. you're awesome to jump on, to rock out with, to laze around and just do nothing, which is what i always do.

so long, orang-orang kenduri. i can safely say that i will not miss you guys.

so long, midvalley. i like walking around your corridors, alone and unknowing, searching for something i can't find, and something i can't quite understand. and i love shopping. heehee.

so long, vacation days. i realize that after this i have to work extra hard, since i did next to nothing during this short holiday period. that is fine i guess. i will cope, i guess.

so long, life. i will miss you.

but four months from now, it'll be something totally different.

so long, uia. i told you i could do it.

i guess i should appreciate these last months eh?

ba da ba ba da ba ba ba!

"keep your feet on the ground,

when your head's in the clouds"

sigh.

(do it again! with gusto!)

sigh.

my exam results came out today.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

not my worst, but not really thrilling either. i thought i could have done better, y'know?

but! my worst is a b- so...heehee. ok lah kot. (^___^)

maybe instead of aiming for the sky, i should aim for the ceiling first, yeah?

SIGH.

oh well! that's done!

now, my thesis is next on the nervous list.

YEEEAAAAAAAAAAACCHHH.

whoever created thesis papers should be banned from ever enjoying life. he (i always assume the bad guys are of male origin. hee.) should be thrown into a hot steaming plate of tofu and made to eat it for the rest of his sucky, serious, tree-killing life. people should throw used q-tips at him and call him bobby.

kamu jahat. >:(

hmm.

my brother, ever the killjoy, told me to start on my work for this thesis already, or he said that i'd regret it.

i was like, "shun the killjoy! shunnnn!"

my dad, ever the academician, skyped me and said, "boleh la start buat thesis tu."

i was like, "nooooo ayahhhh..cutiiiiiii! cutiiii!!!"

(in reality i smiled sadly and said "insyaallah ayah" dengan menunduk terkesima. haih.)

my friend is in the process of completing 2 chapters already.

huh! with friends like these, who needs enemies? hahaha joke joke. i love my friends. :D

but can you see why i might be so stressed?

the people around me are too smart! toooo smart!

i drink juice from the carton!

i eat candy bars!

i love RIBENA for god's sake!

i'm too young to...

oh, i'm 22 dah.

start esok la thesis. :(

SIGH.

p/s: my cat is afraid of the dark. hahaha how frickin funneh. and cute. hee love you wallster! :)

men and women.

this is my 100th post. (oh so that's why it's so long.)

yay me for being so frickin non-productive haha.

today's post is so serious i could boil an egg on it:

men and women.

i hear you saying "bahhhh bahhhhh ewwww!" at the back there. shutup.

a few things have happened recently, which kind of cemented my thoughts about men and women. these thoughts are based on what has happened to my friends, and family, and me.

so this is what i think about guys, and girls. but it is not in any way a generalization of the sexes, and doesn't apply to some people. i am merely trying to appear deep and intelligent here.

men:

some men, in my humblest of opinions, are egotistical and insufferable know-it-alls. they do not want your opinion, even when they sometimes ask for it. they are hard-headed, and wants to tell the whole world that they know what they are doing, so could you please get the hell away and shut up. some men are with great sense of humour, but can often be misinterpreted by women as not being serious and not caring.

men are sometimes intuitive. they are blessed with a great sense of direction. most guys i know do not like shopping, the ones who do are probably metro. some men are great listeners, others are crap at it. men expect women to understand them, when they do not tell women what they are feeling, because telling would be a sign of weakness. i think most men think they are superior to women, and not just because my religion (islam) says so. they think they are better at everything; driving, asking for directions (but this doesn't often happen), getting bargains, playing games, etc. some men love to lie to justify their actions.

i think that some men think that most women are stupid, because i have experienced this firsthand. men are driven by lust. men are very bad at reading body languages or picking up hints. men gossip worse than women. men get angry when women tell them what to do, because they are their own bosses. some men are, in MY opinion, full of shit. (but i'm probably being bias because i'm a woman.)

some men can be hypocritical. men appreciate sweet gestures. men eat a lot. men and women both appreciate friends. women, however, need specific amounts of times with their men, or they will think that the men don't like them anymore. men don't. men talk about sports all the time, which some women find terribly boring. some men take jokes way too seriously. some women don't care about men's cars. i personally only care about the stereo system.

women:

women are sensitive, some of them, like me, are overly so. what men don't know is that women are experts in reading the human body language, facial expressions and so on. so if you are a man, don't ever tell a woman that you are fine when you're not. we were not born yesterday. we know. sometimes women read into things a bit enthusiastically and get their hopes up just to get it smashed down. women have trust issues. men, i think, do not. women are often too cautious.

women hate being lied to. women wear their hearts on their sleeves. women waste loads of money on useless things. women gossip viciously, and in great detail. some women have a horrible sense of direction. women are often bossy, and wants to tell everyone what to do even when she knows nothing about the topic. women hold grudges.

women love to talk about their feelings. women expect men to listen to them when they say something. women do not forgive easily, because we are often more emotionally involved than men. some women think men are stupid. women wonder why men can't just tell them how they feel and get it over with. women drop hints for men because if they are straight to the point then men will think that they're seriously involved, get scared and run away. women will get irritated and upset if men don't get their hints, which is all the time.

women are insecure, that's why they ask men if they look fat. they don't do it to annoy men. while women are often bossy, they don't expect men to listen to them all the time, but some of the times would be nice. women appreciate sweet gestures. women don't fall into relationships for the fun of it, they always expect something out of it. men, however, always tell women that the future is still unknown, and they can't or won't talk about what they don't know. (A.N: if a man actually loves you, then shouldn't you be part of his future no matter how things turn out? i mean, you don't throw away the people you love right?)

so that's it. tell me what you think, if you want to. if any of you get offended, well sorry. i don't write anything but what i think is the truth. i don't dress it up with gay words, i don't need pictures (which is why my blog is so boring) and i don't lie about what i feel. if you are offended by this post, think carefully. i said some men, and some women. kalau terasa maknanya terkena la tu. kan?

but hey, no hard feelings. i'm writing this out of boredom and pent up hormones, sparked by something i witnessed last night. i love guys and want to marry most of them haha, and i am a girl with loads of awesome girlfriends. this is just research. ok? ta!

clawzz and dancing.

did i tell you?

no, of course i didn't. i always forget. well, my brother got the interview! well, actually he got both, kinda, but he went through with one company, got himself a second interview, and voila!

he starts january next year.

congrats, abang! :)

i knew you could do it.

as we speak, wally (a.k.a the-evil-twin-of-daniel-but-in-a-different-form) is prowling my bedroom, looking for entertainment, or someone else to bug haha.

he's my cat.

my cat.

well, he still is now, but my sister's been talking about selling him off (she's really busy nowadays, and i can't take him back to uia, takut hilang), which is utter poo-poos because look at wally! he's adorable!

the royal evil fluffiness

he's not that photogenic though. he looks so much better in real life. (sorry about the quality, i just used my phone. pemalas.) he's currently melting my heart into a puddle with his huge, manly paws (seriously, sooo cute) and his tendency to bite everything that moves. oh wait, the last one was a bad thing haha.

okay now he's playing with my mouse. pandainye. hahaha.

hey!

jom sape-sape gi shopping with me? year end sale has started! :D

*i think my eyes are twinkling right about now haha*

randomly:

dance, qisha! dance! ♥

:)

things to do when bored 1.

omg.

i bet you cannot guess what i'm doing right now!

c'mon guess!

...

...

...

*evil maniacal cackling*

i'm...practicing the dance moves in michael jackson's thriller video!

bahaha. yes, i know i am bored.

but hey.

at least now i'm less bored, more amused, and sweaty as hell.

nice.

can't say i'm the best dancer in the world though.

step, step, hop, shuffle, step, hop..

awh damn. i forgot the moves again.

good thing i'm channeling a zombie, not a frickin' ballerina.

but this is way amusing. :P

p/s: as you can see on the post title, this is just the first of many random acts of senselessness which will come. wait for it! :P

p/p/s: oh dang. i was suppose to start on my dissertation today..oh well! *evil cackling continues*

ini tak penting.

aiyoh anis, kau dah tua.

dah 22. aish.

mak aku cakap dah besar panjang, dah boleh kawin dah.

(kawin? teeheehee. ye lah sangat kawin kan.)

tahun lepas bila sambut birthday, aku sedih.

aku rase sorang-sorang. sunyi.

semua orang busy. family busy, kawan2 jauh. parents aku takde sini.

bukan nak emo tapi teringat. bukan nak ungkit tapi cakap je.

time birthday aku tahun lepas aku wish dalam hati,

"kalaulah ade orang boleh teman aku selalu dari dunia sampai akhirat, aku syukur sangat"

aku tau, aku selfish kan. tapi...sori la, aku teringin orang teman aku berjalan,

teman aku makan sekali, buat lawak kat aku (sebab aku menangis rindukan mama.)

tapi, sebab aku selfish, aku tak teringat orang lain semua ada hidup sendiri. maaf la.

tah ape jadi dengan wish aku tu.

tahun ni, aku sambut birthday sorang-sorang jugak kot.

abang aku ada 2 interview penting esok. kakak kerja.

parents kat istanbul, tengah bercuti.

kawan2 kat rumah la dengan family.

tapi tahun ni, aku lebih gembira.

aku harap, biar ape2 jadi kat aku pun, kalau aku mati hari ni pun,

takpe lah. aku redha.

sebab tahun ni, aku dah wish dalam hati,

"ya Allah, tolonglah gembirakan orang-orang yang aku sayang, walaupun untuk hari ni je."

amin.

kepada orang-orang yang aku sayang,

kalau korang mintak ape-ape hari ini,

aku doakan korang dapat.

aku doakan korang gembira.

terima kasih banyak-banyak sebab sabar dengan aku.

tahan aku. teman aku bila sunyi. tak marah aku bila buat perangai atau buat lawak bodoh.

buat aku gelak. buat aku ingat diri. buat aku jadi lebih baik.

buat aku bersyukur.

terima kasih sebab sayang aku yang tak guna ni.

oh.

rupenye aku dah dapat wish aku tahun lepas ye?

suffer in silence.

while you were out there with someone else,

i was in my room, trying to patch up the cracks on my heart.

it's just one of those days, you know.

the kind of days where i wish i was alone.

or even better, dead.

it's the kind of day where the clouds seem to mock me,

with their own brand of silly happiness.

the kind of day where hearts are ripped out from chests,

put into a box, and smashed into a million tiny pieces.

it's a day where people revolt me,

seemingly content with their coffee and suffering,

not remembering that tomorrow could be they day that they die.

it's also a day where i feel cold, tiny, and worn out.

but then i think to myself,

i'm strong, i'm strong, i'm strong.

i can do this. i can get through this.

so what if i'm lonely?

so what if i'm sad?

i'm strong, i'm strong, i'm strong.

be strong anis, dammit.

(i don't have a choice)

be strong, or suffer in silence.

on 2012...

"the bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places,

those nights spent awake and all you've done,

can lead you to the bottom of the pit.

the good news is,

this wouldn't be the first time someone's crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell."

- i wrote this for you

i watched 2012 last night, along with my brother and his girlfriend (kacau daun aku ni) where tickets were still being sold out and we had to sit at the second front row. it was a full house. and hey, the movie wasn't bad. it was kind of awesome, something i would definitely watch because i'm curious, and i lack a proper sense of imagination.

the thing is, you don't watch 2012 for the storyline. i mean, i guess the storyline's okay, but the graphics were spectacular. it felt so real i was kind of shaking in my seat. what if the end of the world felt something like that? what if people lost their humanity, killed, sold out on the ones they used to love, all for the sake of survival? freaky, yeah?

in fact, i have a few things yang macam tak puas hati with the movie:

1. the actors - kenapa macam tak takut je when the so-called 'end of the world' happens? their faces were like, slightly shocked with a hint of blurness, like seeing barney and friends for the first time and wondering why the hell kids like a purple freaking dinasour. some of the acting wasn't all that great. amanda peet, especially, looked kind of...selamba. like she's seen buildings fall on top of each other and giant tsunamis all the time. if i were any of them i'd be freaking out, babbling and crying, and praying to god that the tsunami doesn't flood my house away. (i don't think i'd be rajin enough to run, penat kot) hmm. or maybe amanda had it right. don't think moviegoers would appreciate a babbling, crying heroine.
2. humanity what? - in truth, i don't think human beings are capable of such humanity. the part where those people open the ark doors back up to let those guys in? tak boleh blah. in all honesty, i think the bad guy of the movie, that mr. anhauser-something-or-other would be correct. (which is why i hate him so much in that movie) people don't think of other people when they are so busy thinking of saving themselves. which is why we are called the human race. sad, isn't it?
3. tipu lah - the movie was definitely very hollywood, in the sense that everything happens dengan gaya last minute tu. you know, they successfully manouver the plane to safety just in time, the ark doesn't hit mount everest just in time so that the impact destroys it, that kind of bogus stuff. in real life, things aren't so lucky all the time. TIPU!

that being said, i like the movie. haha.

but please, jangan la something like that happens now. aku tak habis taubat lagi nih. :\

p/s: sunyi la...

exam high.

"this is a blackout as we'll find out,

it's gonna come and take everything you love away"

current situation:-

exams done. yataaa!

no problems with the questions. yes!

birthday celebration at pizza hut with my beloved friends. woohoo!

cake? mmm. :) thanks guys for being awesome.

saman? crap, belum bayar. :(

yuran mahalah? taik la, tak bayar jugak.

utang dengan makcik kafe kaed? :0

(oh crap, how the heck did i forget? cepat bayar sebelum jadi makanan haram!)

aiyoh, what a waste of cash.

dah la nak beli owl city's cd. dem you uia.

i'm thinking of making a debit card.

reason: so that i can shop online. yataa..this has to be the best reason ever. i can buy harry potter merch, switchfoot merch, stuff you find online but never in real life. oh yeah. :D

oh hey. i'll upload a picture of my friggin' brand new, spectacular necklace later.

it's fly. :P

p/s: what the hell la, why so many emoticons in this post?

a bucket full of happyness.

"but in the end, no matter what i pretend,

the journey is more important than the end or the start."

i'm glad i finally understand this.

might have took some time,

some effort,

some heartbreaks and tears,

some regrets and mistakes,

some right moves and some memories buried deep,

but i get it now.

and now is better than never.

i am the only one who can make myself happy.

i don't need a guy to make me happy.

even without my friends i can be happy.

even when my family's not there i can be happy.

even when i'm the loneliest person in the world i can be happy.

because in truth, i don't need to make myself happy, i just need to feel happy. happiness is everywhere. in the clouds, in a song, in my footsteps, in food, it's all around me.

and hey, now i am happy.

i thank Him for letting me find it.

absolutely random post about everything.

"if my heart was a compass,

you'd be north."

okay.

that has got to be one of the sweetest things i've ever heard.

i wish...

(deep sigh)

have you ever imagined what happened in your future?

when i was still a kid, i would dream of how my life would turn out when i was older.

i'd dream of how my house would hopefully look like,

(an apartment with a glass wall and a view overlooking the city. really nice furniture, modern but homey and comfortable),

what i'd do,

(something that made me happy and busy, nothing boring. i'd maybe open my own business or be an artist or a writer, something artsy even though i am not.)

and who i'd be with,

(someone funny and cute who adores me, is witty, intelligent and absolutely loveable. we'd argue all the time, and he'll introduce me to new things that i'll love, and i'd think i was the luckiest girl in the world.)

among others.

and even when i was a kid, i'd remember feeling very impatient and excited.

nervous.

i hope my future turns out to be better than what i imagined.

because it is kind of tiring to think of everything. haha.

sometimes you think you're living in the moment,

but could it be that you're just wasting away your life towards the unknown?

but i do that sometimes. live in the moment i mean, not waste my life away.

i guess it's like what chaz (whom i adore very much) says.

you have to know what you want. who you are,

because you can't have everything and you can't be everyone.

but be spontaneous a bit. what you want is not necessarily what's best for you.

so a bit of this, a bit of that, and i'm set!

i hope i'll be the kind of person i want to be one day. god i'm so excited to find out.

p/s: why am i always in love with fictional characters? is it because they're always so fantastic in the books i read or movies i watch, but in real life guys are just bleh? or is it because i haven't found a guy like that yet? hmm.)

hingga masa Tuhan tunjuk kebenaran.

"i've got another confession my friend,

i'm no fool."

ayat-ayat macho dari lelaki hebat, m.nasir:

tapi jika terpaksa pilih engkau mesti pilih,

biar dicerca, dihina dan engkau diherdik,

kerna dia engkau menjadi lelaki,

diberi pilihan antara hidup dan mati.

aku paham, dengan maksud aku yang sendiri.

ya, aku paham.

m.nasir terlalu bijak. :)

dah nampak dah, sebenarnya.

i'm taken by the thought of you.

"to ten million fireflies,

i'm weird cause i hate goodbyes,

i got misty eyed as they said farewell."

1) i love owl city.

it's made of epic win.

adam, you're beautiful. thank you for the love.

2) who wants to go watch 2012 with me? :(

i don't mind going at it alone,

but the thought of watching the end of the world alone is kind of depressing.

ha ha.

3) anyways.

just got back from another day with my sister and her crazy kids.

now, some might think i'm immature for saying this,

or whatever,

but some people are not meant to have kids.

it's just soooo stressful!

you might think you love the kid, but then he or she tests you by crying the whole day,

or kicking you in the shins and running away,

or whacking you in the head with a plastic stick,

or being too cuddly and suffocating.

i look at my sister, and she's hanging in there.

but you can tell that it's really hard.

to people who claim that they LOVE kids,

have a go at my sister's kids for a few hours and see how you fare.

if you still love them at the end of the day, you pass.

i think to myself sometimes,

will i love my kids as much when i have them one day?

can i love them unconditionally?

through their bad points and good points?

will i love them as much when they've messed up their lives somehow?

can i be a good role model?

a good mom?

(will i be a mom anyways? lol.)

then, my sister scolds her oldest kid, daniel for being really really naughty.

(this is normal.)

he cries, and cries, then he comes running towards me.

towards my outstretched arms.

and then, even though he just whacked me in the head with a yogurt drink bottle moments earlier,

i give him a huge hug and try to comfort him.

my sister laughs and says,

"you fell for it again."

i don't know if i'd ever be a good mom or not.

but i sure as heck know that i will love my kids unconditionally.

i know, because i will try.

i'm learning from the people around me.

a soldier with a bullet in his head.

"i want a sunburn, just to know that i'm alive."

there's a thought at the back of your head going

"no! no! that's not true. that isn't me."

well, what is?

and are you sure you aren't the things she just mentioned?

ah, you're not sure. i saw you hesitate.

then it must be true.

it's kind of time for a change in rhythm, don't you think?

hmm.

sometimes, nothing gets things into perspective like family.

♥

had a fun, tiring day at midvalley today with the folks.

penat jugak belagak jadi mak ye. i practically burst a vessel trying to keep an eye on daniel for my sister haha.

i love you wally!

zombizombizombi.

lagi 15 minit.

jantung dah degup-degup gila ni.

dah datang da feeling tu.

the feeling of impending doom.

mata makin berpinar-pinar.

tengok, banyak gile lagi tak buat.

dlm hati aku pikir,

"sir, kejam gile wat camni kat aku. sampai hati."

banyak kot nak measure.

bengkak otak aku hmmmph.

tapi lupakan.

kini...

masa untuk bunuh zombi. yeah!

oh thank god.

"love is wasted on the young."

thank god for friends.

and good movies with sad endings.

and stuffed animals that smell funny but listen to you when you talk to them.

thank god for having a purpose in life.

having people who love you.

for who you are, perhaps

in spite of who you are.

thank god for good looking chaps in smart attires.

and yellow cotton cardigans and shiny black leggings.

or magazines with random gossip.

for kittens who purr when you stroke them between their ears.

and parents who think of you when they look at something at the mall.

thank god for songs that make you laugh,

then cry,

then make you think,

then make you hope

that one day you'll do better.

one day, you'll do spectacularly.

thank god for good marks.

and horrible marks that make you think that you have to try harder.

for exam questions that makes your hand hurt when you answer them.

and for pink bunny-themes pencil cases.

thank god for sunshine,

and smiles,

and breaking hearts,

and baju kurungs in colourful varieties.

thank god for annoying male friends.

and bahasa melayu baku.

and typos of epic proportions.

and yahoo messenger.

i have so much to be thankful for.

who cares about that, anyway?

ajakan kahwin pertama.

"you're just jealous because i'm young and in love."

kepada mamat hot yg tengah naik tangga kat kaed tadi,

awak best la. jom kawin?

(^-^;)

harharhar. zaman eksperimen telah bermula!

reflections.

i'm bored.

therefore i should be studying.

but therefore i'm not.

i wanna upload a photo. so here it is.

taken on my bird's park outing for photography skills. it's horrible.

but i have a thing for horrible things now.

it's called reflections. well i had to name it for the submission la. haha.

i like it, it's dark and ominous.

manusia.

aku bukan diturunkan di bumi ni untuk jadi tuhan.

aku takde kuasa. atau kemampuan luar biasa.

aku manusia.

cuma manusia.

kalau aku buat salah, itu sebab aku manusia.

kalau aku buat betul, itu sebab aku ada tuhan.

kalau aku sakit, itu perlu. aku tak boleh sihat selamanya.

tak boleh happy selamanya. sedih itu perlu.

sometimes i hate, or get angry, or freak out. sometimes i'm a nervous wreck, wringing my hands and hoping for miracles. sometimes i'm naive, absurdly so. sometimes i find it hard to forget. or forgive. or tolerate. sometimes i hate the sight of sunshine. i swear. and i sleep a lot. i hate people who brag, and it annoys me when people talk when i'm watching a movie. i don't like people waiting for me. i am hot-headed.

but.

you must remember. i'm only human.

aku cuma manusia. aku macam debu kat padang pasir.

i can't figure things out by myself sometimes.

i need help. some are willing to help, some just run away.

jangan la sakitkan aku, please.

the question is why?

"oh no, not for me, not for me,

call it torture call it university,

arts and crafts is all i need,

i'll take calligraphy and then i'll make a fake degree."

this isn't the end of the world.

you're not dying, you know.

not now, anyway.

you're not on a journey towards the sun.

you're not trying to defeat an evil dark lord from using a ring for his evil, demented purposes.

you don't have to save any damsels in distress.

you don't have to use magic to defend a castle. you have no magic powers. you have no castle.

you don't need to beg.

there is no need to grovel. start a war. kill a cat. go against your values.

so then,

why are you so pissed off and nervous about this stupid dissertation proposal?

because it sucks, that's why.

gatal gatal.

"and when it rains,

will you always find an escape?

just running away

from all the ones who love you

from everything."

adoi.

asyik alergik ni. gatal mulut.

gatal gatal.

cet, da berdarah. harap je lepas ni dapat mulut angelina jolie lak.

fark.

adakah lipbalm aku? adakah makan salah?

aku jarang makan sekarang, bila makan mulut rase berdenyut-denyut.

aish.

ke alergik udara uia dah ni?

...

haih. tak sabar nak grad la.

(sedih)

p/s: mood selalu sedih sekarang. rindu parents. rindu zaman kekanak. rindu hidup dulu before uia. fark lagi sekali.