gatal gatal.

"and when it rains,

will you always find an escape?

just running away

from all the ones who love you

from everything."

adoi.

asyik alergik ni. gatal mulut.

gatal gatal.

cet, da berdarah. harap je lepas ni dapat mulut angelina jolie lak.

fark.

adakah lipbalm aku? adakah makan salah?

aku jarang makan sekarang, bila makan mulut rase berdenyut-denyut.

aish.

ke alergik udara uia dah ni?

...

haih. tak sabar nak grad la.

(sedih)

p/s: mood selalu sedih sekarang. rindu parents. rindu zaman kekanak. rindu hidup dulu before uia. fark lagi sekali.

courage and a cup of bitter coffee.

"tell me,

can you save us?"

you're not dreaming.

this is real.

look around you.

wiggle your toes. touch your face. listen to the gentle ocean breeze.

do something. do anything.

yes, you are here.

yes, you are alive.

finding the sun.

"i dare you to move,

like today never happened before."

sometimes, growing up doesn't mean getting older.

i used to think that once you got older, you get wiser and therefore you grow up.

but now i don't think so.

sometimes you can be sixty and still not be grown up enough.

sometimes you can be eighteen and be the oldest and wisest person you know.

i now think growing up means falling down again and again

and still have the courage to get back up,

have the strength to carry on,

have cuts and bruises all over your body and still not give up,

have the peace of mind knowing that this is what was planned for you,

it's okay, because when people hurt you,

He listens. and He works quietly.

life would be a series of blacks and whites

if we never learn about all the colours in the spectrum.

okay.

i'm not that strong.

i hurt.

i break.

i learn that i'm not perfect.

i want to pretend that i'm tough

but i'm not.

i want to move on but i can't.

i keep glancing back.

i won't pretend that things aren't bad for me now.

but

things will get better.

skies can turn a lighter shade of blue.

love will come in all kinds of ways.

even the darkest hole has a bottom.

things will get better.

in time.

they always do.

and then i'll be stronger.

i will learn.

from mistakes. from past experiences. from new beginnings. from fights. from my tears. from my friends. from my own reflection. from listening. from learning. from everything.

one day

i hope i'll be strong enough.

tipu dunia akhirat kau.

yes, i'm pissed. i'm furious. lantak kau la nak nangis kat sape kan. nak cakap, wah aku lelaki tak berdosa, orang salah tafsir. orang salah paham. aku jahat, suka judge org. aku suke berat sebelah. slalu nak menang. ko slalu salah.

satu dunia salah, kau yg betul?

fuck you.

kau lelaki paling penipu. konon nak jadi baik. konon nak berubah, tak nak couple da. takut dosa. pastu perempuan yg kau kenal sekarang tu ape? khunsa? dengan dia tak takut dosa? dengan dia boleh la keluar memanjang kan. aku jalan dalam hujan kau buat tak kisah. dia da ade kereta, kau still insist hantar kan. lelaki terbaik la kau ni.

paling sedih, waktu couple dengan aku pun kau dah berkenan kat dia. tengok2 facebook dia, bawak dia keluar, call dia, msg dia. lepas tu punya la janji kat aku cakap kau tak curang time couple. ingat aku bodo ke ape? time aku tanye punya la marah. punya la defensive. cakap aku la suka pikir bukan-bukan dekat kau. buat aku rase salah aku. buat aku mintak maaf siap.

wahai lelaki, pakailah otak. kau ingat uia ni besar? kau ingat kau je kawan ramai? kawan aku kau tak tau. biar sikit, tapi kawan aku sayang aku. lg penting, aku sayang kawan-kawan aku. tak payah la tutup jejak kau tu. aku dah tau. dah paham da.

aku ingat, dulu kite kawan. aku kena jaga kawan. lepas kite break, aku siap msg kawan2 aku yg kau kenal suruh bercakap dgn kau. jgn sebab aku semua gaduh. tapi...mcm ni pulak aku dapat. mcm ni balasan kawan. dari dulu mmg mcm ni ke perangai? aku defend kau dulu. dgn kawan2. dgn your ex pun aku defend. dgn parents aku pun. Ya Allah, butanya aku.

takpe. kau sekarang patut sedia maklum, kau bukan lagi kawan aku. you no longer exist in my life. aku tak kisah kawan2 kau maki hamun aku, kawan aku support aku. tu yg penting. biarlah Allah balas semua benda yg kau dah buat kat aku. Allah nampak semuanya. tak perlulah tipu lagi. tak perlulah kata-kata puitis kau tu.

kawan aku cakap, one day karma will get you. kau akan rase ape yg aku rase. aku tak tahu pasal karma, tapi aku tahu, balasan Dia akan datang. and aku syukur sebab aku dah keluar dari relationship ni. mmg Dia sayangkan aku.

(to my real friends, thank you. i love you guys.)

four letter word.

hate is just another word for love gone wrong.

so don't hate, procrastinate!

haha.

see you.

a thousand sparks ignite, and i see you.

a million birds fly south for the season, and i see you.

babies cry in the middle of the night for love, for attention, for affection, and i see you.

frenzied hearts scream at the top of their lungs, and still i see you.

silhouettes blend into the background, starting chirps and creaks and squeaks. i see you.

at the touch of the softest silk. i see you.

morning breath and shy somewhat awkward smiles across large rooms full of strangers, and i can see you.

glass shatters like ice on a cold, dark night, igniting an avalanche, yet i still see you.

daughters seeking affection from their mother with schemes of untold greatness. i see you.

zombies crawl out of the ground while crows eat on the flesh of the dead, and is that you i see?

colour fades into black and white, why do i still see you?

as i echo your footsteps like a child follows his parents.

as i pry open your doors late that night.

as i sneak into your bedroom, itching towards your neck.

as i squeeze your lungs dry.

as you breathe for the very last time.

as you choke out your cries of help.

as your eyes open towards the ceiling.

as i smile down your corpse and reach for your face.

i see you.

i saw you.

wait. is that you i see amongst the jostling crowd?

(wow. a stalker's mind isn't a pretty place to be. i just made this out of boredom.)

one day.

one day, you'll remember all of this.

the days and the nights, fights and laughter.

the days where we were so tired but had to keep on, keep on going. for the sake of our future, our parents and family. our jobs depended on this. our happiness could depend on it.

the nights lazing around doing nothing and absolutely everything in our tiny room cubicles, writing and typing and drawing and eating, laughing at stupid jokes made by friends, crying quietly while watching korean series.

one day, we won't forget.

the shopping trips together, and messaging your friend who always always wakes up late for class, or the day where your friend fell sick and couldn't come to class so you took notes for her as well. the days you slept on your friend's floor with your harry potter comforter, waking up late together for class now. spending the nights together watching movies.

trips to the zoo, or the mall, or to some godforsaken place you've never been to. accompanying your friend to the toilet at 3 a.m because she didn't want to brush her teeth alone. gossiping about the latest scandal between your classmates, and talking about which classmate is the most good looking.

one day, you'll miss those days.

cherish them. they might slip away.

the hate letter.

1. hello there. how are you? i hope you're

2.feeling horrible. that'd make me

3. very happy. i love seeing your

4. ugly, mean, and totally pathetic

5. face. it lights up my day. do you ever think of

6. anyone else but yourself? do you miss

7. me when you're alone? i hope you do because

8. you totally don't deserve me. it must be sad, sitting there wishing that

9. i think of you. it makes me feel

10. disgusted at you. you're such a loser. i'm not

11. sad because you're not here with me. i feel so

12. happy when you're not around. don't you ever think that i'd feel

13. lonely without you.

13. you know why? because i hate you! i only said

14. i love you because

15. i wanted to trick you, and i got so good at pretending that

16. you made me happy. bye.

now my friends, read between the lines. do you get it?

kind of cool yeah?

(inspired by something i saw on the world wide web)

bagaikan si jantan yang berkokok.

"let's see how far we've come."

so. what happened today?

well kids, today was "wear-you-checkered-shirts" day. all the cool kids wore them, and all the uncool kids gaped in silent amazement and obvious envy.

nice.

hahahaa.

next! i'm actually taking a break from all the bloody dissertation thoughts in my head. who knew thinking of a topic would be so bloody difficult?

well it's not actually the topic i'm worried about. it's the references used for said topics. since i haven't researched all that much...and i'm not very rajin at the mo...

nigel maafkan saya please. jangan kecil hati. :'(

(p/s kamu hebat! saya pun suka durian!)

okay what is my obsession with blogging? (tibe-tibe marah kan.)

i always find myself thinking of random things to say, or sometimes current topics to ramble on about. i guess writing is my way to vent? i just like blogs.

and i love blog-hopping. i've probably stalked half of my friends by looking at their blog posts. :P sorry.

aku suka dengar cerita orang. i like stories. bebelan. ramblings. randomness. i think it's fun. i find comfort in words. maybe that's why i update like, every frickin' day. heh.

i'm listening to m.nasir songs. did he just say "belikat punggungku"? (perlulah boldkan.) apakah itu? :0

pee ass. (memang eja begitu)

by the way, post semalam dah delete.

saje, bagi pihak-pihak tertentu ketenangan minda. for once. haha.

thanks kepada yang reply. i'm reminded of how much i love you. :)

kepada kamu yang aku kenal. sabar eh.

and thanks sebab sabar selama ni. aku memang hard to please kot kan?

lantak le. hahaha.

aku cuba tolong kamu pulak yek, tak buat susah dah.

cari jejaka lain untuk susahkan. (ini adalah lawak.)

seronok jugak bebel dalam melayu, cam rase megah. hahaha. (ini bukan lawak.)

i always hear them in the dead of night...

...they try to help, but only i can right these wrongs.

"easy living, it's not much life for me.

easy dying, hey, looks just about the same."

wow.

i understand what jon foreman's trying to say in these words. i understand now.

he doesn't want an safe life. he wants challenges. problems. he wants to suffer.

suffering makes us stronger. problems make us think. hardships come to show us who we really are. does it make you stronger, or weaker? are you going to give up?

can you find the way?

you learn from your mistakes. you renew yourself, shape a better mould, try on a new perspective. you change. some who get lost change for the worse, but in all actuality, we'll always hope to change for the better. if we can find the way.

can we find the way?

i have to admit, i'm not the best kind of person.

sometimes i don't understand. sometimes i don't know. sometimes i'm too afraid, too shy to ask. what if i'm the only one who doesn't know? (out of the billions of people, are you kidding me?) what if i'm ignorant? what if people laugh? what if people stare?

you know what? people are people. you can never satisfy them. us. we're one of those incessant sufferings you'll just have to endure to get to the top. screw people, they're not going to take you to Heaven. hopefully, you will. hopefully, you can. ask for help. pray for it.

i can hear the winds now.

it's changing. i'm changing.

i'll change.

wishing for nightmares.

sometimes i get weird dreams.

i know dreams are just fragments of your imagination. sometimes they can deviate you. sometimes they confuse you.

lately, when i dream, they just hurt.

it used to not be so bad. i'd dream about some things and i'd wake up feeling happy, because they were good dreams.

they were good dreams.

i'd dream that i was somewhere familiar, yet i can't exactly place where i am. memories of my past and present jumble themselves into those dreams. there would be people i recognize, sometimes some of those people have blurry faces like i wasn't wearing my glasses when i looked at them.

i would always be searching in those dreams. looking for something. someone. but not finding. it makes me feel desperate, breathless, anxious. where is it? who am i looking for?

then, he'd come. i don't know who he is. he just comes. and then...he hugs me. and in that single solitary moment, i feel like the luckiest person in the face of the earth. i could actually feel how much he loved me in that one hug. i felt happy, and scared, and i felt like i belonged there. i could feel so much love that i could burst.

and then i wake up.

and i look around in the darkness. and feel cold, and it's dark, and i'm lonely.

and i'd cry my heart out because it was just my imagination. not just the dream, but the thought that someone loves me.

because...

i'm still having trouble looking him in the eye, but he's pining after someone else now, who makes his heart skip a beat (when just one year ago he told me that i made him happy.)

and he told me he'd appreciate me as a friend. and i accepted, even though i was crying when i sent him that message. we used to be best friends, remember? i could count on you to help me out. maybe i was hoping we'd go back to that, so that i'd have something good out of all that sadness.

but now i don't even feel like we're friends anymore, too. i don't know if it's your fault, or mine, or just the burden of these memories we used to share.

i don't blame you. please don't feel like i'm attacking you. i know you're a changed person. everyone changes. we weren't meant to be. i'm just trying to find bits and pieces of my sanity here.

but i hate you. i hate you because i used to love you and it didn't make any difference in the end. i hate you because here i am, pouring my heart out for you and you're somewhere pouring your heart out to someone else. but i can't really hate you (because it's not your fault that i'm so forgettable right), and that makes me hate you even more.

i'm sorry, but i tried. tried to keep it inside so it wouldn't show. tried to act normal so i couldn't feel. i tried being a friend. i tried. and it kills me.

so i don't want those memories anymore. i'd rather have nightmares than face those memories of you. i'm giving them back to you. i'm sorry.

the pretender.

"So that I do remember to never go that far,

could you leave me with a scar?"

you see that halo on your head?

the one you put up yourself?

well, it's slipping down now.

might take a day, might take a year.

but watch out, it might choke you.

friends.

"need more friends with wings,

all the angels i know put concrete in my veins"

well aren't you the best kind of friend a person could ever ask for?

you wanted to be friends so much in the first place.

then you treat me like i don't exist.

god i wonder why i even bother.

if you're reading this...

"you're making a small change,

to the way that you wear your heart..."

Another sad love song

From the shattered souls of yesterday

Devising plans to publicize their demise

To save themselves

From their own downfalls

Hearts are not only broken

They’re also bled of all emotions

And the sadness of tomorrow

Remain instilled in those walls

We are mere mortals

Who long for something more

Than the emptiness of these rooms

In pastels of gray and black

That brings our sorrow afresh

Questions remain unanswered

Indeed, there are none to ask

And lives remain unbroken

But only from the surface

Scribbled entries of hope and shame

In diaries that will never be discovered

(p/s: i wrote this last year. i wonder why?)

strays.

sometimes just a stray cat can make you feel like the most loved person in the whole wide world.

doesn't matter if he sheds all over your pajamas and you have to change them, or if his wet wet nose keeps rubbing on your hand and you have to wash your hands after petting him.

doesn't even matter that he keeps mewing and trying to get your sympathy, but when you give him food he doesn't even look at it. he's too busy trying to get onto your lap. he purrs contentedly when you scratch him between his ears and on his belly. he takes such a long time trying to find a comfortable spot.

he fights a lot with other cats and sleeps on the floor mat. his breath stinks of fish. he follows you from the cafeteria to your room, sometimes trying to make you trip by running between your legs. he's always trying to get into the room.

he's not perfect. but you know he loves you, in your ugly stained pajamas. you, even though you can't give him any food because you have none. you, even though you totally ignore him sometimes because he's been hovering near the door all day, and it's getting annoying.

you.

and that's all that matters. you wouldn't have it any other way.

clothes can be changed every day. food can be bought. rooms can be cleaned. if you fall, you can always dust yourself and get back up again.

but unconditional love?

it's almost impossible to find.

life and crappy internet.

"this fallen world doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul,

daisy let it go."

sometimes life sucks, and i really can't stand it.

i wish you were here.

tiny droplets of happiness

can be found anywhere, in everyday life.

it can be found in a hug at the front door, given to you by your crazy yet adorable sister's kid who then proceeds to drag you to his play area to show you his toy gun. never mind the fact that he kills you after that.

it can be found in hearing a song you haven't heard in a really long time, which still reminds you of someone you love and miss dearly.

you'll find it buried between the sheets where you find comfort at nights that are cold and lonely, the sheets reminding you of the smell of your mother.

you may find it in an adorable little kitten with whom you've just met for the very first time, chasing its own tail and being the cutest, fluffiest pet you have ever seen in your life.

maybe you'll find it in your pockets, where you find some extra money which you've forgotten about and now can spend on something.

it's the satisfaction you get when you finally reach home after getting lost and stuck in traffic, and even so you're so proud of yourself for finding the way that you don't really mind coughing up another 4 bucks for the extra toll money.

or is it the contentment you get from praying early and faithfully, and knowing that you've fulfilled your responsibilities to Him the best way that you can?

it can seep into your heart after the guard at your apartment smiles and waves at you in recognition, because you know then that you've been friendly enough to people for them to have noticed and treated you with kindness.

it can be found in blackcurrant smoothies, and nasi lemak rendang, and monster shaped car key holders, and messages from your best friend.

it can be found everywhere, if you look hard enough.

so are you looking?

look.

how to keep a heart.

keep it along with your car keys. maybe you won't lose it then.

keep it in a file, so you won't accidentally throw it out like a random scrap of paper.

put it in a big jar full of crystals, and rocks, colourful seashells and beautiful things, so you'll never mistake it for something ugly one day.

hang it in your closet with all your pretty dresses, and handsome frocks, and socks and pants. don't forget to wear it sometimes.

keep it in your hard disk and never lend it to your friends so it can't get a virus and get wiped out.

pin it onto the board as a reminder. place post-its everywhere to remind you that it's there.

hide it somewhere safe and unknown, but don't ever forget where you put it.

make a list and put it into your notebook.

write a song about it and record it so you don't forget how it feels like.

tell your mom to keep it for you until you're old enough.

keep it in your wallet, in its own special compartment, besides all the business cards and credit cards and small change.

keep it in a safe.

but no matter where you keep it, your heart always gets lost along the way. sometimes you don't find it. sometimes you do but it's already broken. sometimes it gets stolen, and you can never get it back.

what can you do then?

you know you gotta help me out.

"i'm so much older than i can take."

mood: itchy.

music: broken heart - motion city soundtrack

so i just got back from my international procurement trip. wanted to buy lots of things in singapore but couldn't due to insufficient time and horrible luck all round.

i had so much fun though. i got loads of pictures of...ehem. well i can't mention his name for fear that he'll find out haha. you are so adorable though! i waved to you like crazy! :D

am totally gonna work somewhere outside malaysia one day. even singapore is cleaner, better, and cooler than malaysia in some ways. but malaysia is still love. <3

will upload pictures of love later.