Sunday, October 11, 2009

wishing for nightmares.

sometimes i get weird dreams.

i know dreams are just fragments of your imagination. sometimes they can deviate you. sometimes they confuse you.

lately, when i dream, they just hurt.

it used to not be so bad. i'd dream about some things and i'd wake up feeling happy, because they were good dreams.

they were good dreams.

i'd dream that i was somewhere familiar, yet i can't exactly place where i am. memories of my past and present jumble themselves into those dreams. there would be people i recognize, sometimes some of those people have blurry faces like i wasn't wearing my glasses when i looked at them.

i would always be searching in those dreams. looking for something. someone. but not finding. it makes me feel desperate, breathless, anxious. where is it? who am i looking for?

then, he'd come. i don't know who he is. he just comes. and then...he hugs me. and in that single solitary moment, i feel like the luckiest person in the face of the earth. i could actually feel how much he loved me in that one hug. i felt happy, and scared, and i felt like i belonged there. i could feel so much love that i could burst.

and then i wake up.

and i look around in the darkness. and feel cold, and it's dark, and i'm lonely.

and i'd cry my heart out because it was just my imagination. not just the dream, but the thought that someone loves me.

i'm still having trouble looking him in the eye, but he's pining after someone else now, who makes his heart skip a beat (when just one year ago he told me that i made him happy.)

and he told me he'd appreciate me as a friend. and i accepted, even though i was crying when i sent him that message. we used to be best friends, remember? i could count on you to help me out. maybe i was hoping we'd go back to that, so that i'd have something good out of all that sadness.

but now i don't even feel like we're friends anymore, too. i don't know if it's your fault, or mine, or just the burden of these memories we used to share.

i don't blame you. please don't feel like i'm attacking you. i know you're a changed person. everyone changes. we weren't meant to be. i'm just trying to find bits and pieces of my sanity here.

but i hate you. i hate you because i used to love you and it didn't make any difference in the end. i hate you because here i am, pouring my heart out for you and you're somewhere pouring your heart out to someone else. but i can't really hate you (because it's not your fault that i'm so forgettable right), and that makes me hate you even more.

i'm sorry, but i tried. tried to keep it inside so it wouldn't show. tried to act normal so i couldn't feel. i tried being a friend. i tried. and it kills me.

so i don't want those memories anymore. i'd rather have nightmares than face those memories of you. i'm giving them back to you. i'm sorry.

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