Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bringing on the heartache.

My parents are leaving.

Today, at 4 p.m, I'll see them for the last time this year. My mom told me she'd probably arrange to come back and visit us by herself, but it's not confirmed. The future's never confirmed, right?The only time I'll be sure to see them is next year, before raya.

I've been trying to be happy and all for the sake of my parents, but it's been hard, considering certain events. Mama's been great. She's been comforting me, and telling me that it doesn't matter, and asking questions that made me think. She doesn't want to leave, she tells me, because last year when she left I was sad, but not lonely. This year things are different. I guess this year I'll have both.

My brother's working now, so he's not always home. When he's home he's always out with his girlfriend. I can understand that. He has someone. My sister has her own family now. Qisha's always sick, and Daniel's always making a mess. She's under a lot of stress with the kids. I try to help, but sometimes I don't know how to help. But she's happy, underneath all that stress. That's all that matters.

Unfortunately enough, that only leaves me. I'll survive I guess. I've learnt not to depend on people because they always leave you in the end. I'll probably cry myself to sleep for a week like least year and then pretend like things are okay. On the surface they are. I'm happy when I'm with friends. My friends are awesome, they make me forget. I want to always be happy around them and forget things, that's why I never tell them the sad things. It kind of kills the mood when I tell someone they're so lucky to have someone to come home to, right?

God, aren't I pathetic. Stop it stop it stop it Anis Adila stop!

I wanna psych myself up. I wish I were into that whole sex, drugs and rock and roll thing. That'd be a nice diversion. I need a diversion. Yes yes, that's what I need. Something painless, not like before. Something that makes me happy always. Something that will never leave. Something cheap, quick and fast-acting. Unconditional love, someone or something that loves me regardless of how fat I am, or how not tall I am compared to other kids, or how I act like a stubborn kid when I'm in a bad mood.

Oh great, I need a Tamagochi. :(

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