misplaced trust and old friends.

i've watched a lot of movies in my life. some movies stick with me, and some don't.

some movies are so memorable to me for the weirdest reasons. i sometimes get stuck into watching and re-watching a movie just because of one scene, or one guy, or just...one feeling.

therefore, i present to you the saddest scene which i have ever encountered in a movie. few movies compare to the welling amount of sadness that i felt when...well, watch it for yourself. it's acted by tom hanks, who is my favourite actor ever, so i guess i am somewhat biased?



i don't normally exude such feelings towards volleyballs myself, but heck, when i first watched this scene back when i was younger, i think i cried. i honestly think i did. i cried because the attachment he felt towards wilson was as real as an attachment one would feel towards a best friend, or a lover, or a family member. he was crying for the loss of the only person he had. he was crying because when wilson was around he didn't feel so lonely.

i guess i can sort of relate to tom hanks' character in the movie. i get attached to the stupidest things sometimes, and people just don't understand why. it's not the thing, it's the feelings attached to the thing that matters.

for example, even though i am twenty four years old i still have a stuffed pillow in the shape of a cat as a bantal busuk. it seems kind of crazy and childish and irrational that i would keep something that i got when i was around fifteen years old for someone else's birthday (i decided to keep it because i thought it was adorable) but i look at tembam (lol yeah so i named it) and i don't ever see myself throwing it..him away.

he reminds me of sleepy nights watching movies with my friends, and sleeping by myself in a 'haunted' house (my old house in penang had this freaky, ominous feeling to it) and crying myself to sleep when i had fights with my parents or my friends or even my ex. he reminds me of happiness, of comfort and love, in times when i felt that no one could ever love me.

when we were children we all had these things, blankets or pillows or soft toys that we were attached to. what exactly happened to us to make us throw these things away? parents would often go with the 'she's too old for it' story, which makes me wonder: what exactly are we too old for anyways? we're too old for comfort? i dunno, i just don't quite understand it. someone please enlighten me.

i guess it's different for me. i don't really know how to seek comfort in people. people are confusing. people make me awkward. people often backstab you and break your heart and say things that make you feel like you want to jump off a bridge. people are unpredictable.

i guess i put more trust in a stuffed toy more than i believe in people? which, to be honest, is quite sad.

what is wrong with me?

shameless gushing : mcfly edition.

i am embarrassed yet a bit happy with the news that i'm about to announce on this post.

ok, don't judge. i was bored. i have every right to like this band. the guys are adorable, nice and very talented.

ok but i still am embarrassed about this haha.

i am in love with mcfly.

oh god i said it. it's out. kill me now, and let me listen to them in peace.

i just randomly stumbled upon them. today. and for reasons unbeknownst to me, i really like the happy aura they're omitting. their songs are cute, and the lyrics are smart and cute, the beats are catchy, and oh my god look at them, they're so adorable:

pic credit to last.fm

i especially like harry, the dude in blue, and dougie, which is the blonde. they are hilarious. i can't stop watching them on youtube lol. well, them and judge judy.

(randomly, omg judge judy is freaking awesome. the show's funny, and the cases are funny, and the litigants on the case are sometimes so awkward and dumb and evil)

i've never actually been a fan before this, i mean the band's hardly new and i've known them from before, but i haven't actually paid attention to them i guess? but suddenly now i stumble upon them and the mood's right and i find myself thinking, "dammit, these songs are really catchy!"

here's a clip of dougie and tom singing transylvania, which is quite an awesome song, especially when sang acoustically. by dougie. *heart melts like a tween*



ok, it's not like it's embarrassing to like them, to be honest. i'd be more humiliated if i liked justin bieber or one of those crappeh rap artists that are always on tv nowadays singing about sex. so wtf, i like them. they're awesome. guilty pleasure music ftw.

i shall leave you with a final cute picture of dougie and harry. just cos i can.

pic credit to huffingtonpost.co.uk

dougie's hair looks so suave ahaha. (omg i'm such a fangirl)

please let me live my life!

i appreciate my parents, i truly do. i know they love me and they always have the best intentions.

but grr sometimes i'm so mad i could kill someone. (not them obviously)

so what if i'm slow with applying for my masters? i was busy with work before so i couldn't do my proposal because
a) i'm tired and i need rest. i am human. is it so wrong that i want to waste my saturday on having fun when i've been all sorts of stressed out the whole week? i am not a machine, i do not run on gas and nags. i run on happiness and unicorns (lol wait getting sidetracked here).
b) you think proposals boleh buat tanpa pikir ka? those things take time ok. even when i was in uni under the (patient) guidance of a good lecturer pun aku buat lambat gila, inikan pulak when i've been out of the whole academician thing for a year, clueless on the topic at hand and rusty at making words sound more intelligent then they seem.

so yeah, it took me a long time to get my application done. sue me. if you want someone who gets their shit done in an organised manner and within the time frame you set for them, then find someone else. or do it yourself.

and i just don't understand the whole rush to get me into doing my masters. i mean, why? what's so great about rushing into things that you can't just chill for a second and take life as it is? yeah, i know i shouldn't be wasting time. time is precious. time waits for no man.

but i am young, and i don't wanna be rushed into things just because time is not on my side. because you know what, in life, nothing is on your side. so relax and live a little, and don't be so uptight. every time i skype with them they nag and nag and nag at me without really actually knowing the context as to why i can't do my work yet, why i haven't sent in my proposal, etc. and honest to god, i can't stand it.

sometimes, what my parents don't understand is i am not them. i am not my mother, and i am not my father. so i'm not as hardworking as they are or as confident, i am not a good cook or a great writer. i am not good with numbers.

i am myself. i am anis. i am slow, stupid, whatever the hell i am, i am me. i want to live and to not be so fucking serious and uptight all the time because i don't need my life to be a series of accomplishments.

i'd rather have a life filled with good memories, and doing things my way, and having a life that's fulfilled with the things i actually want to do. so what if i don't rush from working to studying? so what if i waste some time? this is my life we're talking about, not some kind of rat race. i can't be forced into doing things the way you want them just because your think your ideals are better than mine. i am not a stuffed animal. i have my own wants and needs and i think that if i don't take care of those then who the fuck will?

gah. i am so frustrated. and kind of sad, and disappointed as well, if i'm being honest. unless i'm doing something life-alteringly wrong like killing a man or robbing a bank i don't think anyone should force me to do anything, best intentions or not. could you please just let me live my life the way i want to, stupid decisions and all? just...support the decisions i make and be there for me when i need you, i mean honestly, do you think nagging and judging me will make things better?

sigh.

out with the old, in with the new.

so! yesterday was my birthday, yay me for making it all the way to 24. as a sort of celebratory blog post, i thought it'd be fun to make a comparison of who i was when i was 17 and who i am now as a 24 year old.

i've changed a lot since i was 17. as a teenager i was the epitome of depressing, and as an adult (if you could call me that) i am now the epitome of awesome.

oh come on if you can't indulge me on my birthday you are heartless i tell you. heartless.

ah well. this is what i came up with.

random post made with pure glitters and awesomeness.

it's nearly 1.30 in the morning.

what the heck am i still doing up?

that is all.