looking for a boyfriend.

"i got you all figured out,

you need everyone's eyes just to feel seen"

ah. i knew that post title would interest you, secret stalker.
how have you been? good? hmm?
ah, well i've been a bit busy, lots of things going on and such.

this topic is interesting huh?
well, afraid not. honestly i think the best thing about having a boyfriend is having someone to talk to when you're bored, and someone to hang out with when you're...well, also bored. but all that lovey dovey stuff kinda gets tiring after a while, does it not? i mean, at first you're so ecstatic and happy that you've find the one, then you spend all your time devoting yourself to him/her, then you feel like you're so in sync with your 'other half'.

meh, those things, they fade away pretty fast. pretty soon you're making those tiny little black wishes and you're always in a bad mood. and it's not like you want to be that way right? god forbid you be anything other than cool and awesome. but love, it does things to your head. messes with your self-confidence. makes you vulnerable. some people say that's one of the best things about being in love.

i say that is jack-shit. nobody likes being vulnerable. everybody has walls that can't be penetrated unless they want you to, and most people aren't comfortable with walls with holes in them. so we fight, and we question our sanity, and we wonder why the hell we do this kind of thing, it's not worth the hurt and the suck.

then tomorrow we make up and we're suddenly in love again. guh.

maybe we humans are a masochistic bunch. we thrive on pain, love it, we wanna suck it all in. or maybe i just haven't really fallen in love with the right person yet, and all that love drama that i've experienced and heard about from people are part of the picture. maybe there are people who really fall in love, can understand and tolerate each other, and genuinely care about one another to the point where people go "awww".

maybe i'll find that kind of love someday, you know? someone i can talk to who actually listens and understands me, someone with cool interests who i can totally get into, someone who doesn't have to change for me, and i don't have to think about changing for him.

i mean, when you think carrefully about it, all the psycho exes or bitter relationships that you've had is all because love is kind of stressful, you know? it's not something that can be casually tossed around.
i don't think you should ever say "i love you" to someone without actually committing to him/her, so be careful when you say that stuff, okay? i'd rather have a relationship with someone who says it after 5 months than with someone who says it after being with me for like, 5 days. because hello, you don't even know me. how can you love me? kan kan?

aiseh. love is such a complicated topic. everyone thinks differently when it comes to lurrrve. me? like half of the world's population who still hasn't found their other half, i'm still waiting for love to come find me. because i'm lazy, harhar.

and well, i don't want to be defined by my relationship status. i'm trying so hard to avoid that. you know how some people say, you'll never be lonely when you're in a relationship. that's bull. you can be in a relationship of 10 years and still be the loneliest person on earth. so right now, i'm waiting for love to come to me and in the mean time, i want to be able to be alone, and perfectly happy with it.

it's not an easy task, but hey, i'm going there. :D