they're just scary words.

right now, there are so many things in my head,
but all of them are whizzing by, and i can't grasp anything solid.

i can't think of the same thing more than 5 minutes in a row.
it's frustrating. grrr.

i kind of miss being a kid.
i miss waiting for my parents at my old home in penang,
looking out in the rain and wondering when they'll come back.
(macam ponteng sekolah je time tu, haha)
i miss laughing with my friends at school and on ah chek's bus and listening to cheesy over-rated pop songs.
i miss being scared, and being angsty, and all the other emotions i felt when i was a teenager.
i miss going back home late because i had krs, and then hanging out with the skater dudes in komtar.
i miss being stupid and careless and ignorant,
because now i can't be all those things.
i'm not supposed to be any of those things, because i own my mistakes now.

i'm all grown up now,
22 years old with no future plans.
i don't know who i am. i don't think i want to find out.
i'm too lazy and scared and tired to go on this journey they call life.
it's exhausting, to have to learn new things, and know new people.
it's exhausting to have to add another chapter to your life, and make new mistakes.
is it supposed to be exhausting and scary?
because i'm kind of exhausted and scared. of the unknown. of everything.

toughen yourself up, anis.
sooner or later you're gonna have to face the music.

my good friend once told me this, when i was sad:
"suck it up kiddo, and move on."
only now do i that this is the only way i can survive.
GUH. it sucks.