Thursday, October 21, 2010

frankly, you're not worth it anymore.

"why don't you like me,
without making me try?"

guh. been calling around a bunch of qs firms today.
got a few promising ones. some were disappointing. one company was really quite odd.

i kind of regret not doing this whole "think carefully about your future" thingy.
because maybe if i had been rajin-er i'd get that job at jubm.
see, the guy who interviewed me told me that my application wasn't rejected,
just reserved. he says all the posts have been filled up,
but the next time something comes up í'll be considered.
this basically to me means a kinder way of blowing me off, but whatever man. malas pikir.

and my utm application status?
the online application was received by faculty 13th october. i'm like, what the heck?
3 months and this is all i get? but according to my future supervisor,
this is apparently 'normal'. so that might take a while.

so right now,
i'm applying for jobs.
i'm applying for my masters.
i'm applying for other stuff too.
which one do i actually wanna do first ni?


i don't know.
i don't care.
wait, i can't not care. i care i care. i just...sigh.
i just don't know who i wanna be.
i don't know where i should focus.
i have absolutely no clue as to who i will turn out to be in the future.
and that scares me.

i don't want to be okay at something.
i want to be great at something. reliable. adept. skillful. super-awesome.
okay maybe not super-awesome. you get what i mean though right?

i'm scared of the future.

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